My Fake Marriage To Peeta Mellark
by Dream-Runaway
Summary: "I, Katniss Everdeen, take you Peeta Mellark, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to entertain the capitol and save our families, from this day forward, when we are bugged and in front of cameras, when we are boldly or indirectly threatened with death, till Hunger Games do us part". What would have happened if the Quarter Quell hadn't included Peeta or Katniss or any past victors?
1. Chapter 1

**My Fake Marriage to Peeta Mellark**

"I, Katniss Everdeen, take you Peeta Mellark, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to entertain the capitol and save our families, from this day forward, when we are bugged and in front of cameras, when we are boldly or indirectly threatened with death, till Hunger Games do us part"

**Chapter 1**

**The White Dress**

I look in the mirror and try to imagine what the rest of my life holds for me as my team beautifies me. I am dressed in an elaborate white creation of Cinna. Somehow he always manages to make things pleasing to the capitol fashions yet beautiful.

I never wanted to get married but I suppose if I must for the sake of my family, I am glad it is in one of Cinna's dresses and not in something ridiculous Effie might pick. My hair is up in a complicated braided combination of small pearls and delicate flowers. A long laced veil falls on my naked shoulders full of something glowy that makes me look like light is radiating off me. The gown accentuates what curves I have and my makeup is somewhat similar to what I had as I rode the chariot at the beginning of the games. Meant to make me look beautiful but not unrecognizable.

Around me Octavia, Venia and Flavius take turns crying and admiring the dress, the hair, the veil, or how they can't believe I am getting married. I wish I could summon some fake excitement, I feel bad I am not as emotional as they are.

All I can do is look and look hard in the mirror and somehow try to find the girl from District 12 who didn't let fences or rules or threats intimidate her, nothing could stop her from doing what she set her mind to. She must be somewhere under all that make up and glow and all the white. She must be. She can't be gone.

In turn all I can see is another piece in their games, because no matter whether you live or die, once you're in the games, you never leave.

So here I am, standing motionless, waiting to go and get married to a boy who has waited all this life for this moment but couldn't be more miserable at knowing I am being forced into spending the rest of my life with him.

I feel selfish, for pitying myself, when in reality, I am to be with someone I know will always look out for me and strive for my happiness while he will only wallow in my indifference. I despise myself, I despise the capitol for doing this to such a kind person as Peeta.

Almost as if on cue he slowly comes in and shuts the door after him. I look around and realize at some point my prep team has left.

Peeta is dressed in a pitch black tuxedo with golden edges and his hair is styled in a way that makes him look older. Like a groom. Somehow the sight of him relaxes me a little. He has been with me in my most difficult moments in the last two years and somehow we have made it. It gives me some assurance to think of this.

My eyelids automatically drop to the floor and I don't know why. He crosses the room in slow hesitant paces and sits down in a chair not too far from me.

I think he will say something but he just sits there, his expression unreadable.

"They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding" I try to clear some of the tension in the air with a mediocre attempt at humor.

He chuckles, I don't know if I actually made him laugh or he finds it funny that I would try.

He opens his mouth to say something but thinks better of it. He fiddles with his hands and finally stands up. He digs his hand in his pocket and with a half smile pulls out my mockingjay pin.

I laugh.

"As much as the mockingjay has come into fashion in the capitol, I doubt it would be approved on this dress" I say as I motion at the excess of fabric surrounding me.

"I didn't think so" he shrugs "I thought you might find a way to sneak it in there somewhere unnoticed. There seems to be plenty of space to hide all kinds of things in that big thing" he laughs as he looks over my dress.

I think of it and accept it; I just hold it in my hand.

He takes a deep breath and makes as if to leave and for a millisecond I swear I see that wounded look I haven't seen in such a long time but it's gone before I can tell if it was really there or not.

"Are you nervous?" he asks me.

I shrug.

"It's just another big show for the capitol." I say trying to make light of the situation but I know it's much more. Now I will live with Peeta. For ever. My mother and Prim get to keep my house but to keep up pretences I must live with him. In a way I am glad it will give me an excuse to sleep with him if he allows me to. The nightmares are always there and as selfish as I know it is, I know I won't refuse it if he offers. It's the only way I get some sleep at night. There is one more week before the Third Quarter Quell is announced where we will mentor so we will have a shortened honey moon by Capitol standards that will be broadcast for all the country to see. More pretending for the cameras only that it will have to be every second we are out of the bedroom. I hope we don't have to venture out too much, and I'm sure it won't seem strange if two newlyweds won't get out of their bedroom even if it is for completely different reasons then they think.

"Are you nervous?" I feel like he expects me to ask.

"I've only been waiting for this moment since I was five" he says so casually you'd think he was just talking about what bread he made today. It's when he says these things that he makes

me feel so uncomfortable and his eyes bore into mine with such intensity I can't meet them.

"I'm sorry" he says. "I know this isn't what you had planned. Believe it or not, it isn't what I had planned either".

I sigh because he is right. The last thing I ever wanted was to get married. But of course Peeta must apologize for something that isn't even remotely his fault. It's so Peeta. And I know he doesn't want this either. Not like this. Yet somehow in my mind it doesn't register with the seriousness I know it should. But I have been kissing the boy incessantly for months and swearing my love and adoration for him and blushing and smiling and fawning over him so much to the point where this doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's the children department I am worried about. I hope they don't make us have children. A fake marriage I can deal with better than bringing more innocent children to this world to have them possibly die in the Hunger Games. That I couldn't stand. For Prim I did what I could to save her, I volunteered. But for any possible children the best I could do is mentor them and that's just not enough. No, it's best just not to have any. But somehow that doesn't seem like my decision anymore.

"It's not your fault" is all I say in reply to his apology. I wish I could say more to reassure him he doesn't have to feel bad for this but I'm afraid it may send the wrong message so I just stay quiet.

He turns around and starts to walk away but then stops as he remembers something.

"By the way, your cousin, Gale, is outside waiting to see you" he says and I know he tried to hide the disdain in his voice but couldn't completely.

Gale! I feel a million things at once and I shove them away and mentally stomp on them.

We have never really talked about those kisses and I just cannot have him come in here and ask about it and raise suspicions to people seeing him come in. There's enough talk as it is. Besides it would be pointless.

Those kisses don't matter anymore. Regardless of how fake this marriage is it's still a marriage and I am not about to risk my family's safety. We had always been friends before and it will remain that way for good. And the sooner he understands that the better. It seems mean but he should have known better that this could have never worked out. The moment I volunteered for Prim all possibilities of any life with Gale vanished. It was a choice I made and I stand by it. I had never wished to marry anyways.

"Don't let him in!" I yell and it catches Peeta by surprise and he can't help showing a little satisfaction at my response. Before he gets any ideas I clarify. "We can't afford any more doubts on anyone's mind, especially today"

He nods.

"I'll let him know he can ask for a dance once the party has started" he suggests and I gratefully nod.

I watch him walk away and I feel like I should say something but before I can come up with anything he is out the door.

I sit down and that's when the nerves really start to come. It is finally dawning on me that in a few minutes I will be Katniss Mellark, wife of Peeta Mellark, the boy with the bread. There is some endearment to it when I think of it. It almost seems like something that could have happened in real life.

Could I have ended up married to the boy with the bread if neither one of us had ended up in these horrid games? Could Peeta have eventually made me fall in love with him if he had tried and I had let myself? I can't imagine he would have had any trouble with any other girl but would he have succeeded with me?

Before I can ponder upon this Cinna is in the room extending his arms towards me. I smile and twirl for him.

"You look beautiful" he says. His presence settles my nerves. He has become so indispensable to my survival that it is impossible to believe he has done it all through clothes. No, he is more than just my stylist. He is my friend

"Thanks to you" I reply. I wish I could better express my gratitude for his being here.

"Are you ready?" he asks me. I nod even though it's not true.

And before I know it, he is leading me out the room as I squeeze the mockingjay pin in my palm.

**A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read my first chapter. Reviews and tips are appreciated beyond words can express. I haven't written in a while and this is my first attempt at writing a Hunger Games Fanfic so any feedback is so valuable to me.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi everyone thank you for continuing to follow my story :) It is greatly appreciated. However it doesn't seem like many have become interested in it :/ Please let me know if you wish me to continue. I am happy to know my writing is making others happy but if it isn't, then what's the point? So please let me know what you think as you read so I will know if you want me to continue :)**

**Chapter 2**

"It's a big, big, big, big, BIG day! Oh, Katniss, you look so beautiful!" Effie chatters on and on as I make my way to the entrance. She's the only one there to meet me as everyone already has been accommodated inside. "Remember, shoulders back, chin up, and smile! Oh, smile, Katniss! Please, it's your wedding day!" she tells me frustrated on the verge of yelling. I don't blame her. I am scowling and very much. I know if I walk in there looking like this I will be talking to President Snow tonight and that's the last thing I want! Somehow this thought makes summon the strength to smile as naturally as possible and this brings some relief to Effie's stressed features.

She hands me my flowers and looks at me with a proud expression. This is a big deal for her. After all we are the only two survivors from her District for as long as she has been in the position and we're getting married to each other. It has to be very emotional for her even if it is only a scam.

I hold my flowers too high up to my chest and she makes me lower them with a wave of her hand. I do so just as the front doors open and I am faced with an avalanche of bright horrid colors. I can barely make out who anyone is. They are probably the richest of the richest in the capitol to have been able to afford a seat in my wedding. President Snow never misses an opportunity to make money. Only the front row has been reserved for the very few guests Peeta and I were allowed to invite. I feel the temptation to rush down the aisle to see my mother and sister and see how badly disappointed Gale's face is after my rejection earlier, but I remember Effie is watching me and maintain a lady-like pace.

Finally I am at the end and that's when I see them. My mother shares Prim's wide eyes when they see me. They are a mixture of happiness and sadness that is difficult to grasp. My wedding should be happy event but the circumstances of it make it so not. Right by them is Gale and his family still under the pretense of being my cousins . He masks no happiness, just a hard look of disappointment with a bit of anger though I know not directed towards me. I must admit he looks very handsome in nice clothes. Right before I pass them completely I look to my right to see Peeta's family but only his dad really catches my attention and I remember the cookies he gave me. He was always so kind to us. His face seems to say: "I wish my son was marrying a woman who loved him back but I am still glad it's you". It makes me happy to feel some approval.

Just then I realize I am almost to where Peeta is and I see him standing tall, his left hand stretched out to meet mine and help me up. I meet his hand and hold on for dear life. Thank God it's Peeta or I don't know how I would make it through. At some point I realize someone has taken my flowers from me though I can't recall who and I really don't care. I am holding both Peeta's hands as we stand across each other and I hope I am not hurting him but I am squeezing them as hard as I can. He feels the pin in between our palms and gives me a puzzled look. I forgot to pin it somewhere hidden and the realization dawns upon him as he gives an almost intelligible laugh but this doesn't help me feel any better. It's all I can do to keep this fake smile plastered on my face. I meet his eyes and they're smiling. He looks dashing and as happy as could be. He was always so much better than me in front of the cameras. He gives me a reassuring smile and a nod and then motions with his eyes towards our hands and I relax them, releasing a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Then anger replaces my nerves. I am angry at the Capitol and I hate them. I see President Snow out of the corner of my eye and I resist the urge to spit at him. Somewhere to my left an officiant of some kind babbles away some stupidity I don't care enough to listen to. I look at Peeta's face and behind his smile I see his eyes are bit worried. He must see what is going on in my mind and if he can then that means everyone else can. I relax the muscles in my face and realize I better pull this off right so I tell myself I am madly and passionately in love with this boy in front of me and widen my smile as genuinely as I can. I just repeat to myself that I am so happy to be here and to have the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Peeta and I am surprised to find a minimal amount of truth to this. At least he's my friend. And somehow the sight of his warm smile, his blonde hair and the blue of his eyes remind me of the dandelions on the Meadow against the blue spring sky when the coal dust allowed you to see it to its full brightness and I imagined myself laying there among all the yellow flowers as the wind made them slowly sway back and forth and I felt a bit calm and a tiny spark of happiness as I realized how much Peeta reminds me of home and my smile becomes more genuine. I can tell he sees it too.

I realize the vows came much faster than I expected and just blurt them out as rehearsed and listen to Peeta do so too.

Then we are handed each other's rings. He gently places my ring on my finger and then it's my turn. The burn scars on his hands jump out at me as I put his wedding band on and they remind me that no matter how much they fix us up and try to make us a piece of their games, I know we still remain ourselves and will continue to do so. They can't erase District 12 out of us and they can push the Capitol on us as much they want, we will never be a part of them.

Just as I am wishing for this day to be over already I remember it will only be followed by a week at Capitol resorts while being followed on our every step by cameras. And then there will be the Quarter Quell which Peeta and I will mentor with Haymitch's help. And I know it will be miracle if anyone from our District wins. I know I won't be able to bear the thought that two more children that I will actually get to know and probably get attached to will die and I was not able to help it. No wonder Haymich is such a drunk.

Now I wish this day would never end. Will the future never stop getting worse?

Peeta and I descend and walk out of the building as people cheer us and soon we're in the car that will take us to the party. I am grateful for the quiet and the peace and Peeta senses it and says nothing. We are both looking at our hands, feeling how strange it feels to wear such a significant ring and yet means nothing really. How all around us, everyone is cheering for our love finally being signified by our marriage while it is cold and quiet and a bit awkward in this car. Nothing they imagine can even be close to the truth. Except a feeling of impotence fills me and I need Peeta's comfort. I need him to tell me it will be ok. That somehow all this will be for the best and we will look back upon it and it won't be such a confusing memory.

I look at him and he knows exactly what I am thinking because he opens his arms wide inviting me into his embrace and I am in his arms momentarily. His chest has become my home for comfort and his arms the imaginary protection I need, and it's calming and soothing. I almost feel like a little girl in my father's arms. But then I remember he's dead and this is Peeta and I am not a little girl in any way. I have been forced to grow up in every way. And now I am married. Married to Peeta. It's a good thing my insecure, scary future comes with some sort of guarantee, that at least one thing won't change and that is Peeta, forever him, forever there and I think if he is ever taken away from me... I can't think about it. No, I am not dependant of him. The less people I care for the less they can hurt me, the less they can take away. I already have enough with the fear of losing Prim, my mother or Gale. I don't need to add Peeta to the list. I sit up and straighten my hair and Peeta doesn't notice what was going through my mind as I was pulling away from him for the car starts slowing down as we near our destination. It's a good thing that for now it conveniences the capitol to keep him close to me. I don't know how else I could pull through the Hunger Games, without any of my loved ones. It's at least a relief they will be far away in District 12, the ignored district.

I squeeze Peeta's hand as we step out the car and into the most ludicrously over the top party I have ever been to in the Capitol.

**So what do you think? Please leave me a thought, I am hanging by thread! Even if it is just a smiley face :) Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you soo much for the encouraging words you all shared with me in your reviews, it certainly made me even more decided to continue this, and not just for my own happiness that I get from writing but for you guys too. As always, I hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter 3**

**The Party**

I am squeezing Peeta's hand with all my might as we step closer to the reception that I can just imagine already. There will be way too much food for everyone to eat and I won't get a breathing second to myself. And I am already dreading Gale taking Peeta up on his offer.

The doors burst open to reveal an enormous hall of some kind I have never been to before. The ceiling is very tall and everything is decorated in flowers and colors and other things I can't make out, there's so many things hanging from the walls that it's all a blur. At the end I see dozens of tables full of all kinds of different appetizers and there's people already eating and drinking. The second everyone realizes we have arrived they all rush to us, to hug us, and congratulate us and wish us the best and Peeta's hand is the only thing keeping me in place, keeping me from running at full speed out of here. I squeeze it harder by the second and I can't relax it. I really hope his hand will be ok.

Finally Effie manages to make her way through everyone after endless "excuse me's" and "pardon me's" and guides us to a table in a stage like part of the ball room where we will sit throughout the night and eat and for now wait until all the guests have accommodated themselves so Peeta and I can have our first dance together as husband and wife.

Husband and wife. Still seems like such foreign terms. I steal a glance at the boy with the bread sitting next to me deep in thought. I see the beautiful silver band on his ring finger and inside I know are our names engraved, intertwined together by a heart. I look at my hand and examine how my ring looks. I feel as I was staring at some other girl's hands. Those perfectly shaped nails and soft skin with the diamond ring cannot belong to the hunter who vowed never to get married.

I take a look at Peeta again and imagine how it must feel to have the girl you love agree to marry you for so many reasons except the one that you want, because she loves you.

It's not that I don't care about Peeta. I do, very much. But every time I let myself feel attached to him I get scared because it's someone else I need to worry about not losing. But then again, it's kind of too late for that. Whatever there is between Peeta and I... it won't just go away no more than my love for my mother, Prim, or even Gale. It goes far beyond a fake marriage and it's sickening because it hurts Peeta. It hurts him because it is not enough for him.

It seems like no matter what I do, I end up hurting somebody. I kiss Peeta and Gale is mad at me. I kiss Gale and Peeta... well, he doesn't get mad because he's that kind but I know I am hurting him. I kiss neither and they're both still unhappy. So what can I do?

But before I can figure this out it's time for Peeta and I to dance. Everyone has sat down and is watching expectantly. Great, I get to dance in front of half the capitol. I relax as I feel Peeta gently take my hand and guide me towards the middle of the dance floor. I will just let him lead as always.

The music comes on and it's slow and I am thankful we won't have to do more than step in place and slowly make a circle and maybe do a twirl here and there.

I am putting one hand on Peeta's shoulder and the other one in his but he doesn't take it. I am slightly confused until I feel both his hands wrap themselves around my waist and feel his cheek against mine.

Oh! Right, we're married. We'll be expected to dance this way on our first dance. I place both arms on his shoulders and lightly hug his neck and allow myself to fall in step to the slow love song and I wonder who picked it out.

I feel everyone's eyes on me and start tensing when I hear Peeta's soft whisper in my ear.

"How are you holding up?" he asks me.

His words are kind and concerned. He must sense my discomfort. I want to say it's everyone's eyes on me as I dance that makes me uneasy but deep inside I know I don't care about that. I've been on TV several times now and spoken to bigger crowds before even if I have done a mediocre job.

I have kissed Peeta countless times for the cameras and we've even shared a bed before in the interest of not being alone and keeping the nightmares away and you would think that holding him this close as we listen to a love song, feeling his warm breathing on my naked shoulder, having his hands possessively hold my waist, almost large enough to meet around it, hearing his heartbeat as my head rests on his chest without my permission, none of this should feel as intimate as it does. It shouldn't make me lose my composure as it is.

And so it takes me a second to order my lips to answer his question and even when they do open all that comes out is a nervous sigh.

He needs no words. He laughs almost as if he already knew what my answer would be.

"Just keep it up. You're doing great" he encourages me and he pulls me a little bit closer.

Doing great? At what? At not scowling? At not running away? At faking being in love?

I have to catch my breath because I was already having a hard enough time handling everything else without the added closeness. Our bodies are almost touching, only slightly brushing against each other occasionally as we move. He gently twirls me now and we fall back into the same position naturally.

Oh, how the capitol must be eating this up.

At some point, the music has stopped and so did we but we didn't move from our spot. Everything is quiet and we are just standing there. What are we supposed to do now? Everyone stares apparently waiting for something. Peeta as always saves the day. He takes a small step away and takes my chin in his hand and slowly brings my face to look up at his. His blue eyes shine against the navy blue ceiling and look like two lone stars against the night sky. They just look into mine and I become confused as I wonder where that last thought came from. He slowly leans down and I close my eyes and ready my lips to kiss him but his lips never meet mine. I feel their warmth meet my left cheek. I open my eyes and give him a confused look. What is he doing? We're supposed to be married and crazy in love. Why didn't he kiss my lips? His head positions in front of mine and I wait for the kiss that never comes. Instead he kisses my right cheek now and then my forehead and he's exasperating me. What is he doing? His head comes down again and I am sure he is going to kiss me for real now but he lands a light tender kiss on my nose. I lose all patience and grab his neck and pull him down and crush my lips against his in fury. Whatever he was trying to do I had no patience for. I already felt awkward enough. I pull away and I can see shock and amusement in his face but before I can wonder what is going through his head our audience erupts in cheers and whistles and I am brought back to reality.

I smile and blush for everyone to see what love crazy bride I am.

Then another song starts and other couples join the floor. At this point I am not sure what the protocol is. Do we sit? Do we keep dancing? Then I see his witch of a mother approach us and steal Peeta for a dance. She was probably told to do so. I can't imagine Peeta's mother wanting to do that out of her own love for him or something.

A pang hits my stomach as I realize this is the moment when the bride's father comes up and dances with her too. I look around me expecting to see Effie coming my way to guide me to do whatever it is fatherless brides do but all I see is Peeta giving me a pained look as he must know what is going through my mind. Then I am surprised to see Gale making his way through the dancing couples to meet me and starts dancing with me. I guess being the closest male family I have he must have been appointed to dance this dance with me. I can't imagine Effie forgetting such a detail as arranging what I'd be doing while Peeta dances with his mother. Or maybe he just took Peeta's advice.

His features look similar to how they did at the ceremony, hard and unforgiving.

"So much for never getting married, huh?" he asks me. I feel a little insulted at his question. He's never fully believed this is all an act.

"Tell me about it" I snap right back.

"This must be so hard for you" he continues.

"You know I had no choice" I say looking into his eyes. He must know I'm being honest. How can he not believe me? Isn't he still my best friend?

"There's always a choice. None of this would have happened if you had run away with me" he says looking down.

"You know I couldn't have. Who would have volunteered for Prim at the reaping? I could have never left my mother and sister and you know you would have never left your family behind either" I tell him. He's being childish and unreasonable. Why is he bringing this up? What's the point?

"They could have come with us. They would have" he replies.

"And what would have happened when the winter came huh? And how do you know the Peacekeepers wouldn't have come after us? Or that we would never get attacked by the bears and the wolves when we got so deep in the forest? It was dangerous Gale and you know it. That is why we never did it" I say wanting to end this conversation right now. This isn't the time or place and it's pointless anyways.

He says nothing for a minute then adds.

"At least you wouldn't be married to that little bread boy" he says with so much disdain and scorn and loathing, that it angers me.

"That boy has saved my life and my family" I tell him. He isn't being fair to Peeta.

"Oh, so now you're defending him?" he asks.

"What? What is with you, Gale?" I ask a little hurt. Why is he being like this? "None of what has happened has been my decision. It's an act and you know it" I whisper. Isn't it clear?

He laughs then shakes his head.

"You've never been that good of an actress" is all he says and his words hang in the air. What did he mean? I'm afraid to ask.

I am so mad and confused at all the things that he is throwing in my face that I want him gone and it must show on my face because almost instantly Haymitch appears and claims me.

Gale gives me one last disappointed look and walks away.

"You ok, sweetheart?" he asks me.

"Yeah, just... sometimes Gale gets... I don't know" I answer and I really don't know what has gotten into Gale lately. It's like he doesn't trust me anymore.

"Jealous?" Haymtich asks.

"I don't know. He shouldn't be. He knows how things are, how they always have been" I explain.

"He'll get over it" Haymitch offers. "He's a guy"

"You don't know him... He's never been like this to me".

"Then he isn't who you thought he really was, sweetheart. If he is truly your best friend, this shouldn't get in the way of that" he tells me and I am surprised by his words. He has a point. A really good one. I know Gale. He will get over it and be fine with everything.

Then as if Haymitch saying one insightful thing during the whole evening wasn't surprising enough, he says a second.

"It's never stopped Peeta before, has it?" he asks me and eyes me curiously with a smirk.

This stops me on my tracks. He's right. Peeta has never stopped looking out for me before because, well, because he truly cares about me. And Gale has been my friend for longer. So I should have nothing to worry about. This will pass. I am convinced he will come apologize and settle things before the end of the evening.

"I told you, you could do much worse" he reminds me.

And I remember District 11 when Peeta promised Rue and Thresh's families one month of our winnings for the rest of their lives. And I remember looking at him and thinking, not only could I do worse, but I doubt I could do better.

And as the dance ends Haymitch walks away without another word and Peeta joins me and leads me away to our table, already knowing how my feet hurt from three dances in a row in heels.

He pulls out my chair and I occupy it. I look at him and smile gratefully. His affectionate eyes say 'you're welcome' and I can't help compare how I felt fifteen minutes ago when I was sitting in this very same chair and how very different I feel now.

**A/N: So? What did you think? Tell me please! Please tell me what you think! :) At least leave a smiley face or a thumbs up, anything to tell me if you liked it or not would be appreciated.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Wow! Last chapter's response was unbelievable! I couldn't believe my eyes! Thank you so much for all your reviews, from new readers and the ones who just found the story. I have been trying to personally respond to all the reviews to show you all personally how grateful I am to know what you think but I have been giving priority to writing the story. I thought you guys would be prefer an update to a thanks haha. And for the guests to which I can't send a personalized reply I want to tell you I appreciate your support just as much. :) Enjoy!**

**Chapter 4**

**The party (continued)**

"Have you enjoyed yourself so far?" I ask Prim as I finally get a chance to talk to her today.

"Oh, Katniss! They have so much food here!" she exclaims with her eyes wide in admiration. "I just wish I could wrap it all in my arms and take it back to District 12!".

We have plenty of food and I make sure Prim lacks nothing she wants so I know she's talking of all the starving families back home. Only Prim would be at party full of delicious things she's never tried before and be thinking of others who will never know what they taste like. And I make a mental note to make sure that I do something about that. I know there must be something I can do. I start feeling so guilty and I want to rip off this dress that must have cost a fortune and buy food for everyone. But I know it's not that simple.

I just give Prim a hug and tell her "I know, Prim. I wish so, too. But you have hungered enough in the past so you enjoy this alright?" and I try to smile.

She looks so beautiful tonight. I watch her as she gracefully walks back to the crowd to find Roy.

I see my mother from afar and I see her just sitting, holding a cup of punch, staring at something in the far distance or maybe just very deep in thought. I wonder what she thinks about all this. After her objection after the games that I was too young to have a boyfriend, she's never really said anything else about the whole thing. She never even complained about the marriage even though she knew it wasn't real and I am much too young. How much does she understand about what is going on? I regret that we have never been able to confide in each other and she doesn't know as much as she should in regards to my life. Heck, Haymitch knows more about me than she does and I must admit, it's my fault. I have decided to make him my confidante even though I don't know him for very long and he's an obstinate drunk, I trust his advice. He did save my life, though. I hope she can enjoy this sick twisted night, somehow rejoice that I have married a good guy, see the positive in it as she, and I must include myself too, never do.

I search the crowd for Gale. Surely, by now he must be feeling bad about the things he said and be thinking about making things right. I won't be home for weeks, except for the Reaping, and he won't have a chance to talk to me for possibly over a month. He wouldn't let this night go by without fixing things. Then I remember Haymitch's words. What if he doesn't? What will that mean? Shouldn't the Gale I knew be able to over look this for the sake of our friendship? I know I can't offer him the romantic love he wants, but he has always known that to be the case. I had always said I'd never marry. So, it's not like Peeta came and stole my heart. Or did he secretly hope I would change my mind one day? If he did, that assumption is not my fault and it isn't fair for him to hold me responsible. Haymitch is right. If he doesn't see it that way then maybe I have misjudged him, maybe he wasn't all I thought he was. The possibility only seems more probable as the clock ticks by and there is no sign of him. Is he still even here? I feel a pang in my stomach as it starts to dawn on me that one of the very things that remained the same even after the Games, might be gone, too.

I want to be angry at the Capitol and blame it on them, for making me marry Peeta but I know I can't. If Gale felt that way about me, it was a matter of time before it showed and it would destroy our friendship. This marriage only sped up the process.

My line of thought is interrupted as I see Peeta approaching me with a worried look on his face.

"What? What is it?" I rush to him.

"Shh... It's ok. Let's just go to our seats. I think the President is going to speak" he tells me and I welcome his hand as he leads us to our tables.

Sure enough, in minutes, President Snow is in the spotlight ready to speak. Everyone quiets down and awaits impatiently to hear what he will say.

He gives a sly smile to the crowd and begins to speak.

"What a happy occasion this is" he begins. "To have our favorite star-crossed lovers finally joined together in matrimony" and he motions towards us. A second spotlight lands on us and we give smiles to the crowd which cheers in agreement. "What new exciting events can we expect now from our loved Mr. and Mrs. Mellark?" he asks us and I see someone has handed a microphone to Peeta. Smart choice.

Peeta gives the crowd his winning smile and they are hanging on his every word.

"Well, we are so excited to finally be married" he begins and looks at our joined hands and raises them slightly above the table for everyone to see. "We are barely just getting used to the idea that now nothing can keep us apart and it's too wonderful to think about anything else, honestly" he answers.

Smart Peeta. The crowd melts in "aww's" at his words.

"But you must have some plans now that you are married?" he asks us and I can tell that Peeta's answer didn't satisfy him. I dread as I imagine what possibly could.

"Well, now we are looking forward to spending the next week together" he says caressing my hands and looking straight into my eyes. I laugh and pretend to be slightly embarrassed by the implication. He turns back to the crowd and continues. "Then we are excited for our first year of being mentors together and recently married. It will be a great experience" he finishes and I am once again marveled at how he can really look excited about this. He is so great at this. It's a good thing because I know I couldn't pull that off. I may have saved him in the games, but he saves me every day by saying the right thing for me. I am sure by now my mouth would have cost me my life.

President Snow keeps insisting Peeta says what I know he wants him to but Peeta cleverly avoids his peering questions every time until the crowd is getting suspicious at President Snow's insistence. But I know we are not off the hook. Not even close. Maybe for tonight we are but by the way he is looking at us I can tell this isn't over.

Finally everyone goes back to eating and dancing and has forgotten about the icy exchange between the President and Peeta but I know I haven't, and by the way he is holding my waist as we dance I can tell he is just as afraid as I am. I look into his eyes and see his eyes reflect what I am sure my eyes show, too.

My head is swirling with so many thoughts and I don't know how I am keeping it together.

It seems like my conversation with Gale was such a long time ago. I don't see him again that night. But I can't even think about what that will mean because all my mind can think about President Snow and his implications for future plans. I have a feeling I will soon find out.

I half expect to find him sitting in the car that will take me and Peeta away tonight. I sigh in relief as we get in and find it empty except for our driver. I am so exhausted, mentally and physically that I almost immediately fall asleep on Peeta. There is plenty of space for me to lay down on the seats of the long limousine but all I want is Peeta's comfort and the sound of his heart beat as he strokes my hair. Finally, I find some peace tonight, in his arms. As horrible as things are, in the wake of a possible rebellion, President Snow's plans for us, the upcoming Quarter Quell, the loss of one I thought was my friend, there is something unnervingly calming about being here with Peeta as his arms surround me in the promise that he will protect me. And I know it's not an illusion. He pulled us through tonight, didn't he? I relish in the thought that he will continue to do so and I am so grateful it is he the Capitol made me marry. They don't know the strength they have given me by pairing us together. And it is like this that I find sleep.

Hours later, I don't know how many, we arrive wherever it is we were supposed to go for our honey moon.

Peeta wakes me softly.

"Katniss, we're here" he tells me as my eyes flutter open. He brushes the hair away from my face and I don't even bother to fix it.

We step out to find ourselves in front of a resort in the middle of the mountains. The smell of pine hits my face and it is so perfect. I never thought I'd actually be happy to be here. But of all the places they could have picked I am glad it is here.

Peeta and I walk in hand in hand and check in as our driver follows with our things.

Peeta takes the key from the man at the desk and we step in the elevator. It feels like it takes forever to arrive to our floor and as the doors open I realize why. We must be in the penthouse as the sight from the glass walls is nothing short of breathtaking. In the moonlight I can see the forest stretching for miles and miles and, as tired as I am, I wanna get out of this sparkly red dress and run out into the trees.

Peeta comes to join me as I stand in awe, the glass against my face being the only thing keeping me away from the forest way down below. My breath must be staining the glass but I don't care.

I barely acknowledge Peeta next to me grinning from ear to ear as he watches me.

"I thought you'd like it" he says.

It takes me a minute to react.

Wait?

"What do you mean?" I ask finally looking at him.

He shrugs.

"I may have convinced a few people to get us this place" he says casually. "Effie was really difficult, though. She was convinced nothing but the beach would do" he says, looking out into the forest.

I am so happy I could kiss him right now.

Instead , I just close the space between us and give him a hug as tight as I can. I didn't think I could love anything about the next weeks, but I think I can even over look the cameras and the whole reason why we are here if it means I will get to spend the next week in the wilderness.

I laugh inside as I try to picture the cameras trying to follow me in the trees and I see there is more than one advantage to this location.

I only realize it once it's too late but I think I just kissed Peeta's cheek...

**A/N: Soooo? What do you think? Oh, please, tell me! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**So sorry for the wait! I know I have always updated daily but my weekends are slightly hectic :( I will try to continue updating as soon as possible. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 5**

**The Night Of...**

My breath comes out loudly. I am not sure what to do next. I've done this and more for the cameras but never out of my own instincts. What has Peeta thought of it? He just holds me in the embrace as if nothing had happened. In reality, I just kissed his cheek. Yeah, I've never done it before but it's not necessarily a romantic gesture. And suddenly, I realize I don't care either way.

My past reserves were in honor of some sort of remorse for Gale, some part of me felt like I owed him something, like I was stabbing him in the back every time I kissed Peeta. But I don't owe Gale anything, not anymore. He made it very clear tonight.

And any reserves for the sake a possible future with Gale are without base anymore, as well. That is out of the question, too. There will never be a future for me and Gale. The only people left to consider is Peeta and myself. And I know Peeta would never mind it. And so I let myself go and hug him tighter. I want to hug him tighter. I want him to know I am grateful for his unconditional love, the one that would never keep him from doing anything good for me, no matter what he gets in return.

I don't deserve him.

I tell myself I will do what I can to make him happy beside me as he strives to do with me.

I give his body one final squeeze and let go.

"We should get some sleep" he suggests. "It's been a long day".

I can do nothing but agree. Even with the nap I took in the car I am exhausted.

I go to my bags and find one that has a little tag attached to it saying 'sleepwear'.

I drag it with me to the bathroom. Married or not, I am not about to change in front of Peeta.

I undress and take my makeup off. I let my hair fall out of its complicated hairdo and the muscles in my head relax after being so pulled at for so many hours. It feels so good to let my hair down that I don't even put it in a braid. My scalp needs a break.

As I start desperately looking the clothes I assume Effie packed for me I realize there is nothing here but... lingerie!

I start freaking out as I go deeper and deeper in the bag and, in fact, nothing here is meant to cover an inch of my body. I desperately take out, strings and lace and tulle as I finally take everything out and give up. There really is nothing I can wear in here.

I am going to kill Effie when I get back.

I search my mind for answers. Maybe she packed those separately. I slowly open the door just a bit and peek out.

Peeta is layed out on the bed, shirt untucked and opened, and seemingly asleep already. I think I might be able to sneak over and grab the other bags but I decide not risk it.

"Peeta!" I call out to him, uncomfortable. "Peeta!".

He lazily opens his eyes and sees me poking my head out of the bathroom. His face becomes very confused.

"Yes?" he asks, dragging out every sound.

I look down in embarrassment. "I grabbed the wrong bag. Can you look and see if you can find my pajamas?" I ask.

He is still confused. "Just put on whatever you got in there and come out and get them" he says as if it is the most simple thing in the world. I wonder why Peeta won't help me. He never minds doing anyone a favor. Then I remember I am naked and he can probably tell by the way I am hiding my body behind the door. I look around and see nothing I can put on. No robes, no towels big enough, nothing.

"There's nothing I can put on here" I say trying to tell him what's going on without having to say the words. He still has that puzzled look on his face. I take a deep breath and add. "All there is in this bag is.. not appropriate" is all I can bring myself to say.

"Oh!" Peeta exclaims as he jumps to his feet, catching the full meaning of what I said. His cheeks turn bright red and I imagine mine look the same by the heat I feel radiating off of them.

He looks though the bags earnestly, but he can't help to hide a little smile. I have to force myself not to ask him why he is smiling. I think his answer might just make me more uncomfortable.

"There's nothing here. Just jeans and blouses and things for the outdoors, some dresses. Nothing comfortable to sleep in" he confesses, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, is there anything I can borrow from your things?" I ask him.

We try a tank top and some shorts, but the tank top hangs too low and the shorts fall off my hips. Every other object of clothing I try on has a similar result. And as embarrassed as I am, I cannot fathom what Peeta keeps smiling about.

I can't help myself any longer. His little smile is annoying me.

"What is so amusing?" I snap.

"Nothing" he simply says.

"What are you smiling about, then?"

He chuckles quietly.

"It's just... it's a little amusing how uncomfortable you are to be naked behind a door when the only other person in the room is your husband" he insinuates.

My mouth falls open and my eyes open wide. I close and open my mouth a couple more times before I can compose myself and answer him.

"Well, not a lot of us are so comfortable being nude in front of other people like you are" I retaliate, angry.

"Me?" he asks. "I was dying, Katniss. The last thing on my mind was how much clothing I had on" he says, catching my reference of the Hunger Games, when I had to wash his muddy clothes to save him from the infection.

I think of saying something in return but I don't like the turn this conversation is taking, because he does have a point.

"Just keep looking" I order.

He says nothing for a minute then as he searches through the clothes he says "Don't worry, Katniss. I was only kidding. Husband or not, I would never assume this title makes it ok for there to be any added liberties. I would never take advantage of you like that" without meeting my eyes.

And I know he never would. Regardless of his feelings for me Peeta would never expect anything to change and let alone force it. He is too decent for that. And now I feel embarrassed, not because I am naked, but because for a second I doubted his integrity. Even though, to most of the country, we are the most passionate, in-love couple there is and now there is a paper authorizing Peeta to do with my body as he pleases, I know he wouldn't dream of it. He would never look at me, touch me like that.

He keeps searching through his things when something green pops out at me.

"What is that? The green thing" I point to it. He pulls it out and examines it.

"It's a sweatshirt" he tells me and brings it over for me to try. I shut the door and throw it over my head. It falls loosely on my shoulders and my hands barely come out of it but the neck is high enough to cover my breasts and it's long enough to fall just mid thigh. I sigh. I guess this is the best I'll find.

I come out and don't wait for Peeta's response as I flop on the bed.

He gives me his opinion anyway.

"It suits you" he tells me but I'm too tired to answer anything more than muffled groan.

I am barely conscious of him changing in the bathroom and coming to join me on the bed. As I feel his weight hit the mattress, I blindly move in his direction. I feel his chest with my hands until I rest my head on his rising and falling chest. One of my hands falls on his shoulder on the other on his arm. I sigh, pleased. If one thing I am going to love about this is never sleeping alone again, always with each other, fighting our nightmares together. I smile and that's the last thought I remember before I fall unto unconsciousness.

Morning comes around and I wake to the sound of birds chirping and it almost feels like I'm home. But then I feel someone's warm breath on my neck and open my eyes to find my head resting on a man's chest.

That's right. I slept with Peeta last night. And we're in the mountain resort, that's why I hear birds right? But wait, we're way higher than the trees. I lift my head and look for where the sound is coming from and it sounds to be coming from some speakers on the ceiling. They must be added to make the illusion of being in the forest more real.

No, I'm not home. Reality hits me and I remember all the events of the past twenty four hours.

A loud groan escapes my lips before I consider that I may wake Peeta up. I cover my mouth instinctively but it's too late. I watch his blond eyelashes flutter open and in a few seconds his eyes land on my face and he smiles lazily.

"I'm sorry I woke you up" I apologize.

"Nah, it's ok. How did you sleep? No nightmares, right?" he asks me.

My eyes look up as I try to remember and nothing comes to mind.

"None, you?" I ask back.

He shrugs. "Not really".

We stay like this for a few minutes and I remember how back in the Training Center we used to meet sometimes in the rooftop and I wonder if this room has access to this building's. After all, we are on the top floor. I ask Peeta and he replies with asking me if I wouldn't rather explore the forest and I remember that we are surrounded by miles of beautiful green.

"Yes" I answer with a smile. Suddenly I can imagine myself in the trees again and I can't wait another second. I jump out of bed and rush to my bags that still haven't been unpacked and find the one with the outdoor clothing.

Peeta sits up on his elbows and asks me about breakfast. I'd almost forgotten!

"Do you wanna have it brought to our room or do you want to go down and eat at the cafe?" he asks me.

I think about it for a second and decide for the latter. The idea of going outside has me so entranced that, even if it is to the cafeteria, I want to go. I just want to get moving.

Peeta senses my eagerness and rushes to get dressed, too. He is about to strip in front of me when he remembers how I feel about nakedness and goes in the bathroom to change as I braid my hair. I only have to wait for him a couple minutes extra as I have noticed it takes Peeta less time to groom than me, and that's saying a lot, being that it's me and I don't really care too much for it.

We almost run to the elevators as I pull Peeta in tow, both of us laughing.

We arrive to the cafe and find it almost empty. It doesn't surprise me. This place doesn't strike me as the hot spot for vacation. I am surprised it even exists, to be honest.

We order our breakfast and as I wait impatiently for it to arrive I notice out of the corner of my eye what has already caught Peeta's attention and has him furrowing his eyebrows- ...a camera.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! Please, pretty please, tell me what you think! :) I love you guys!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you for all your amazing reviews everyone! I am so sorry I haven't been able to answer them but things have gotten pretty busy and if I try to do it, I know I will only prolong the updates and I don't think you guys would appreciate that hahaha. Without further ado… enjoy!**

**Chapter 6**

I battle with my facial features not to scowl. Just when I was starting to have a good time, the cameras had to appear to remind me that I am still part of the show. I don't need Peeta to say the words to know that he feels the same way. We simply look at each other and smile. I don't know how well they can catch the sound or if they could read our lips so I keep my thoughts to myself. There is no script, no schedule to follow so I tell myself to just act normal, try to ignore them and enjoy myself because that is what they want to see. And, of course, make sure Peeta and I act extra lovey dovey.

I know he is thinking along the same lines when he picks up my left hand and kisses it just above the ring finger where my wedding ring rests. I smile at him and lean over to give him a small peck on his lips. Just then, our waiter arrives and takes our order. I want to ask for everything on the menu. We will have a long day.

"Are you sure you want me to come along for your excursion?" Peeta asks me. I am not sure whether it is a trick question or if he is honestly wondering. He couldn't possibly be asking for the cameras as we are expected to be together all the time.

"Of course I want you to come" I say smiling at him. "As if I would let you out of my sight!" I say.

He laughs but looks sincere.

"Won't I slow you down with my leg? Or make too much noise? I remember it drove you crazy in the arena when I kept scaring off the game" he reminds me.

"Well, then it's a good thing we aren't starving" I reply sincerely and I hope it shows on my voice.

He seems to see it and just nods with a smile.

We eat our breakfast and then ask for things we can take for later. We leave with some apples, crackers, some bread rolls and cheese. As we walk out we can't see the camera anymore but we are sure it's around here somewhere.

We walk by the front desk and the boy there salutes us.

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Mellark, are you on your way to enjoy the fresh morning air?" he asks politely. I get a strange sensation in my gut as he refers to me by my new last name. I wonder if I will ever get used to it.

"We're actually on our way to explore the woods" Peeta answers cordially.

"Would you like a tour? We have many experts on the resort who would love to show you around and keep you safe in these parts!" he offers kindly.

Peeta wraps his arm around my shoulder and winks at me.

"Thanks but I got all the expertise and protection I need right here" he says with a winning grin from ear to ear and walks out proudly. I just smile at him and shake my head because he's probably right.

As we venture into the woods, I hear the forest become alive around me. I hear every little bug flapping its little wings, the bees buzzing around, a stream not too far from where we are, the wind howling above the tall trees… and of course the crashing and stomping of Peeta's loud steps.

I tell myself to ignore it. What do I care? I'm not hunting. I am so used to be on the look-out for anything we can eat that it's hard to just relax and enjoy it. But once I allow myself to, it feels wonderful.

I couldn't usually do this back home. I couldn't afford to lose the chance of bringing home extra food or something to sell. I rarely ever just relaxed and took in all the wonders that surrounded me, as much as I wanted to. But now that I can, I am glad I get to share it with Peeta.

We reach the stream and the sweet sound of the water running brings me peace and it's the most beautiful music to my ears… if Peeta's feet would let me hear it.

I decide we should just sit for a while so we can fully appreciate it.

I sit by a tree and just rest against it as Peeta sits next to me. I close my eyes and just hear it all. I sniff the smell of the trees, the water, the flowers. I let my fingers play with the soil and the grass and feel their texture. I open my eyes again and admire the perfect shade of green in the leaves, the beautiful blue sky, the clear water that never stops running down the hill. There is a butterfly flying nearby some wild flowers and I decide these are more beautiful than any others, by their simplicity and delicacy, growing unseen until now probably.

I sigh in awe.

"It's so beautiful" I say out loud. "I wish I had better words to describe what I feel right now" I confess, my eyes never leaving the sight in front of me.

"Magnificent… Perfect comes to mind" I hear Peeta express.

I look at him and notice that, while my eyes have been transfixed on the wilderness, his seemed to have been looking in my direction all along. My heart jumps in my chest, unexplainably, as I realize that while I had been talking about the forest… well, he had been talking about me. I look down, disconcerted. I am without words again and I hope the cameras aren't catching this. I don't think it would fit in the madly-in-love angle they are going for.

I'll make sure to give them something to work with later, hopefully, when I have composed myself.

I look at Peeta out of the corner of my eye, to see if he looks hurt or sad, but he looks as normal, as if he had just been talking about what he had for breakfast.

We stay that way for a while longer then I decide we should keep moving, to see what else we find. Peeta follows loudly. But as the day progresses I find it doesn't bother me that much and it has a nice feeling to it, kind of like a reminder that I am not alone.

We walk into a beautiful clearing, very similar to the Meadow, dandelions and all. I observe the sun high in the sky and my stomach also tells me, it must be time for lunch. We settle on the soft bed of grass and eat some bread with cheese and apples, until we are satisfied.

With the nice breeze and our full bellies, our bodies ask to take a nap and I fall deep into the grass beside with Peeta who takes my hand, reminding me we need to keep up with our charade.

I decide this is as good a time as any other to play up just married delight and sit up on my elbow until my face is looking at Peeta's closed eyes. If he noticed my body shifting, he doesn't acknowledge it. He just lies there peacefully.

I was thinking of kissing him but his calm countenance makes me stop for a second. I take in his face and remember our days drawing in the family book when I first noticed his peculiar eyelashes, as blond and long as ever. I see the way his hair flows softly in the wind, his mouth I've kissed so many times, his soft eyes and innocent look, his lips that almost always seem to have the smallest smile on them. I reach forward and caress his hair which prompts him to open his eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you" I apologize.

"That's ok" he smiles at me. I feel like this is the perfect moment to throw in that kiss but neither one of us makes a move. We just look into each other's eyes for some time until he slowly rises to drop a light kiss on my lips. I close my eyes and feel the sensation. I open them as he pulls away too quick. I look at him a little confused then he rises again and kisses me again, just as softly.

He really has taking a liking to these taunting small kisses, I think, as I remember his small kisses on my face during our first dance at the wedding. The exasperation is equivalent. In a small act of revenge, I give him a taste of his own medicine and kiss his left cheek, softly. I slowly move to his forehead and drop another, then another on his other cheek and I really let that one sink in before I kiss just the tip of his nose. Two can play at this game. I lean back to see his reaction only to be surprised.

A nervous sigh escapes his lips, without permission, I am sure. His eyes remain closed, his lips slightly parted, and he is simply immobile. A strange sense of satisfaction travels through my body at this sight and I don't understand it.

His lips stay parted as if inviting me closer but not able to make a move towards me. Before I know what I am doing I am leaning closer until my lips barely graze his, tantalizing him for a reaction that doesn't take too long as he traps my lower lip and his tongue travels the small surface from side to side and I have to catch my breath because it is doing something to me that is completely foreign and a hunger comes alive inside of me, one that I had only once felt before, back in the games, that I never let myself think about again. A hunger that simply denies to become satisfied, that ravenously asks for more, one that takes over my mind and my actions. His arm comes up to my neck to caress it and starts to play with my hair as he rises to sit up higher, never breaking the kiss.

I am completely separated from what is going on anymore, only feeling the hunger and only looking to satisfy it, while something in the back of my mind fights to regain control of my thoughts.

I weaken as he slides his tongue inside my mouth now and fall back on the grass, unable to remain seating, overwhelmed by all the feelings. It's like my body is at full capacity, not an inch of me isn't alive, isn't experimenting something new and exciting and it can't process it all, it's on override.

My hands finally find a way to move but instead of ending this mayhem, they wrap around Peeta's neck and pull him closer, half his body completely on top of mine now.

As all of this is happening, it feels as if I am forgetting something important but my mind is just too occupied to recall what it is. Then it finally manages to tell me I shouldn't be kissing Peeta like this… I just can't remember why… and it feels like there's a pretty good reason why I should stop, but I just can't, I don't really want to. All I want is to satisfy the hunger in me that grows by the second instead of being satiated.

Peeta must have remembered what the reason was because he pulls away, suddenly, alarmed. His eyes just wander around as if regaining his mental capacity. Mine hasn't recovered even though he's stopped kissing me.

Then he slowly leans back down on the grass and just stares into the sky.

Gears seem to kick back into action on my mind and the first coherent thought my mind operates is: What… just… happened?

I remember kissing, lots of it, Peeta on top of me, partially, me taunting him before, an unsatisfiable desire… for Peeta?

Oh my God, what just happened!

I swallow hard as a puzzle in my mind wants to come together but I can't let it. I erase it and sweep it aside, mentally.

Good show for the Capitol, I tell myself. Yes, a good show it was. A show and nothing else. I take a deep breath. Good job, Katniss, you're getting better at acting.

I suppress the eagerness to get up and walk away from this blasted pile of straw and back to the resort. I want a shower, badly. But if I get up right away, it could look bad for the cameras.

Just relax for a little bit, catch your breath. What? My breath is fine, there is nothing wrong with my breathing. It's just a little accelerated, but that's because of this infernal heat and this hay all around me, that is beginning to cause me to itch.

I take one more deep breath and look at the sky to distract my mind. This time of the year it's a mesmerizing shade of blue, not a cloud in the sky. I smile as I admire it when I see a flash of eyes, that very same shade. Ugh! I hate this shade of blue. I hate the stupid sky.

Argh! I can't take it anymore! I stand up and start walking back with long quick strides. A pretty dandelion catches my eye and I pluck it as I walk by it and almost instantly I am repulsed by its particular shade of yellow and I crush it in my hand and violently throw it back.

I hear Peeta struggling to keep up behind me, surely due to the uneven terrain and his prosthetic leg but I don't care. I hear him call my name and walk faster. I vaguely remember I am being recorded for the Capitol but I don't care. They can cut this part out. They got plenty of juicy stuff back there!

Peeta's calls sound farther and farther and I am glad. I hope he gets lost! I start running and within a few more minutes I am back at the resort, shouting something at the receptionist who asked about the excursion. I board the elevator and impatiently wait for it to reach our floor with my hands crossed on my chest. I rip my clothes off as I turn on the shower and let the water run and run and run. My anger slowly starts to fade into a gaping hole in my chest and even then I refuse to acknowledge it.

I remember now that I left Peeta behind in the forest, without a way of knowing how to get back, unprotected and I feel a pang of guilt but I resist the urge to get back out to look for him. He will be fine. He survived most the Hunger Games without me; he will be okay for a few minutes without me babysitting him.

I am upset with him and I can't decipher why but as soon as I go wandering down that road, fear stops me and I decide I'd rather stay mad.

I finally hear the door open and close and I can't help my heart jumping in relief. I try not to come out the shower too fast, so I wait a while longer then come out. As soon as I see him sitting by the glass wall staring out into the forest, I feel a little piece of my sanity return to me knowing he is safe. Good, now I can go back to being angry.

He turns around and opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off.

"Peeta, I don't wanna hear it!" I yell as I run to the bed, flop on it, and hide under the covers.

I hear the slight limp as he comes in this direction and I get ready to reject him as he will surely try to comfort me now.

But my heart skips a beat as he makes a turn by our bed and walks towards the door and out of our room.

**A/N: Please leave me a thought! I will appreciate it beyond words can express! I hope you guys don't hate me for this chapter but I promise things will get better! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello, everyone! Thank you soooooo much for the reviews I received for last chapter. You really do make my day when you take out a few seconds to leave me your thoughts. I want to say that last chapter went the way it did for good reasons :/ I know it wasn't enjoyable but, trust me, I didn't do it because I liked to. My main goal is stay as in character as possible and keeping in mind it took Katniss over 3 years to realize she loved Peeta… well, she's tough cookie. Only twice in the book did she really feel something while kissing Peeta and afterwards did everything possible to forget about it, even though neither time was as intense as the one in last chapter. Therefore, I realized that this would throw Katniss into defensive mode. She is always trying to protect herself from getting hurt by not attaching herself to Peeta, so feeling the way she felt, made her feel vulnerable, unsafe, not a feeling she enjoys, and her only way to stop feeling so positive is… well… to feel negative about it. And poor sweet Peeta just happened to be in front of her. So she lashed out her anger at herself towards Peeta, trying to blame him for her feelings. Ok, enough rambling, haha. I just wanted to explain for those who might have been confused. And if you ever don't understand why something happened, you can be sure it wasn't to add angst or drama to it. Eeek! I hate unnecessary drama. You can be sure it was done to try to stay in character OK, I'm done now, for real. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 7**

As the sun came down, I stayed under my covers, drowning myself in my own anger, my own immaturity. I knew Peeta was out there somewhere feeling like crap, and as bad as I wanted to change that, I was too afraid to face him. I couldn't face him. It was all because of that stupid kiss!

But… Peeta and I have kissed so many times. It makes no sense why this one is… well, making me so… so uncomfortable! It's because of the stress. I am so stressed out. I must have snapped at poor Peeta out of anxiety for all the things that are going on, all over the country, and here I am, having so much, when I really just want to go home and see Prim and my mother and Gale… wait, no. I don't want to see Gale, actually. I don't want to admit this but I even miss Haymitch a little bit.

Yes, this is making me angry. It all makes sense now. All of this just caught up to me and I have to admit I didn't handle it well. And I was already pretty ticked off at Peeta for making so much noise. He is so loud!

… I am a horrible person… I sigh and uncover myself to see the sun setting behind the mountains and I have to catch my breath. The sunset is strikingly beautiful, precisely that shade of orange I know Peeta favorites. I hope he is watching it. I got to make things right with him. He wants to be here just as little as I do and I have no right to take it out on him. And he is probably alone somewhere searching incessantly through his mind to figure out what he did to anger me so.

And then I feel this sudden urge to sit next to him and watch this sunset with him.

I jump out of bed before I lose what little courage I have and walk out the door. The truth is I have no idea where to look. I don't know this place enough to think of where he might go. I decide to just start walking and looking. I reach the lobby but there is not a soul around except for the receptionist. I look in the dining hall but he isn't there. I go back to the receptionist, now it's a girl, and ask her if she has seen Peeta.

"Have you seen my husband, Peeta? Blond, blue eyes, strong build, dashing smile…" I try describing him.

"Yes, of course, I know who your husband is" she says delighted. Of course, she must know him. I forget sometimes that we are now known by everyone whether they like it or not. It's almost always mandatory to watch when we come on TV. I am surprised there are people who still like us.

"So you've seen him?" I ask, too hopeful.

"Oh, no, I haven't. I am so sorry" she says and she looks heartbroken. And it kind of bothers me a little, I got to admit. Why does she have to be so sorry not have seen Peeta?

Ok, I must seriously be hormonal today. I am getting angry at every body. Poor girl was probably just trying to be sympathetic… well, still… she seemed a little over the top, almost as she wished she had seen him. I'll keep an eye on her.

I walk outside without another word. Could he have gone back to the woods? He wouldn't, right? Not with his prosthetic leg and with no idea where to go. But where else would he go? He is obviously not in the resort. And there is nothing else here!

But if he had gone out, the receptionist would have seen him, right? Unless, she just started her shift. I remember there was a boy when I came back from outside.

Fear envelops me as I realize there is only one place Peeta could be. He must be in the woods. It is almost all dark outside and if night falls completely, he may not find his way back. He could get attacked by whatever beasts roam these woods. A picture of Peeta, lost, hurt, in the dark of the forest comes to mind and my heart starts flapping like a bird's wings in my chest.

I could lose Peeta tonight and it's my entire fault.

I am in sandals and not equipped to fight the night's cold but I don't care. I can't lose another minute. I sprint towards the trees and follow the trail we covered this morning. I fancy Peeta's intelligence to have guided him to stay in the path he knew and I head towards the river we saw earlier. I call his name incessantly until I feel my voice start getting coarse. The air turns icy as the night falls and my teeth chatter in a futile attempt to keep me warm.

When I reach the meadow and realize he isn't there, I collapse on the floor. My nose loses all feeling and my entire body shakes. It is a mix of my muscles contracting to maintain body heat to defend against the merciless cold and a fit of crying.

My mind can't accept it. Where is he? I refuse to accept defeat.

I shiver as I get on my feet again. I run back to the resort to get help. All these expert tour guys must know this forest very well. They can join in the search. We have to find him! We have to!

My feet struggle to keep the rhythm as they lose sensitivity. But I can't stop. Peeta could be anywhere in this immense woodland, freezing to death, or worse, being attacked by a wild animal. I deny considering that it could be too late. My mind wants to scream, to tell him to hold on a second longer. I am almost there.

I burst through the doors and before I can start screaming at the receptionist to get everyone mobilized in a search she smiles and says: "We found him!"

I pant, trying to catch my breath as my head wraps around what she just said.

Peeta is here! Peeta is safe! My mind keeps repeating the words over and over and I start articulating the words, too.

"He's safe! Oh, he's safe! Peeta, you're safe!" I say between pants as my knees give in to the pressure and I drop to the floor.

I hold my head between my hands and focus my eyes on the floor, letting it all sink in. Relief floods through me and l can't help when a nervous laugh escapes my lips.

But desperation sets back in. I got to see him! I have to see it with my own eyes to believe it; I have to hold him to make sure he really is ok.

As if reading my thoughts, she motions for me to follow her and we go past a door with "Employees only" written on it. We walk through hallways and doors until a wave of heat hits my icy cold body and we are inside the kitchen. I search desperately until my eyes set on a face too young to be in here, white, covered in flour, his arms, his face, his hair slightly sprinkled by it. My stomach drops and I run towards him. I knock over someone who was carrying a tray of something but I don't stop.

His eyes finally see me sprinting towards him and they open wide in shock.

"Katniss…" he begins but I knock his breath out when I crash into him in an asphyxiating embrace. He is even more shocked now, as it takes him a few seconds to realize I am not assaulting him, and he hesitantly hugs me back.

"Oh thank god, you're ok!" I say, pathetically relieved. Everyone must think I am a psycho but I don't care. They don't know how afraid I was.

I break away and my emotions get the better of me.

"What were you thinking?!" I yell at him. "I thought you might be dead!" I say on the verge of crying as I recall the horror of the last hours. "I couldn't find you and I thought you had gone in the forest, and then it got dark, and cold, and… and… And don't ever do that to me again!" I point my finger right in his face menacingly.

"I'm sorry, Katniss, I… I didn't think… I just wanted to bake" he tries to explain in confusion. "You're so cold" he states worried, as he feels my hand in his.

"What do you think?! I was looking for you through the woods like a mad woman!" I yell just to prove my point that I am, in fact, crazy.

I can't take him looking at me like that and just hug him again, for double measure, to make sure I am really here with him and this isn't an illusion.

"Don't you ever scare me like that" I say, eyes closed, heart racing. He is here. He is okay.

"I'm sorry. I won't" he whispers in my ear as he caresses my hair and my back.

I awkwardly release him as I realize everyone is watching us in awe, mouths open.

I swallow hard and start walking out of the kitchen as inconspicuously as possible even though I know after my little show back there, it would take for me to turn invisible for them to not to notice my every move now.

I am relieved as I hear Peeta thanking who I think must be the head chef for allowing him to accompany them and the other man just thanks him for the new recipe and I hear Peeta's steps behind me. But not before he tells him, jokingly: "I better go now. You know, gotta fulfill my marital responsibilities" and I can almost imagine him smiling and winking before the whole kitchen cracks up. Color rises in my cheeks as I understand the implication and I have to remind myself not slap Peeta for embarrassing me like that. I have to be nice; I have been disagreeable enough for today.

We quietly walk back to the elevators and to our room and I can't find the words to begin. Peeta seems to be in an equally uncomfortable mode as his eyebrows are furrowed in hesitation, though why, I don't know.

We walk in and he slouches on the bed, looking down, almost like a child who expects to be scolded.

"Katniss, I'm so…" he begins but I cut him before he can begin apologizing and make me feel guiltier than I already feel.

"Don't you dare start apologizing!" I say menacingly. He closes his mouth instantly. God, it seems like all I can do today is yell, even when I am trying my hardest to be nice. I take a deep breath and begin again.

"I am sorry. I have been very… unfair to you today" I test the waters with that then examine his expression. It is a mix of confusion and shock. "I have been acting in a way you don't deserve, and that goes to all my actions today" I say and take a deep breath for the grand finale. "I hope you can forgive me" and I swallow hard one more time.

He opens his mouth to say something but thinks better of it. I resist demanding he tell me what he was going to say. You are on thin ice here, I remind myself. I am trying to redeem myself.

He bites his entire lower lip and nods.

"Uh, that's ok… I am sorry, too. I shouldn't have k… ahh… disappeared like that" he says and regains his composure. Now this is a sight to be seen! Peeta is struggling to say the right thing.

There are so many other things I want to say but fear stops me. This whole apologizing has gotten personal and too emotional for my comfort. This whole day has.

So the rest of my words go unspoken and I bite my lips for the rest of the night to hold all these confessions inside. Peeta seems to be on the same boat. He is tense the whole night and barely speaks to me at all that night, except to ask me what I would like for room service to bring me for dinner. I catch him several times staring at me in that confused, hesitant look I hadn't seen in him since we were in the cave, back in the games. His features never relax throughout the night and I wonder what thoughts are torturing him so. But I don't ask and he doesn't tell me.

This day has been an emotional rollercoaster and as we watch yesterday's summary of the wedding on TV by mandatory demand, it seems like it was such a long time ago. They announce that starting tomorrow they will have summaries of our days as well every day and I get nervous thinking of what they might show of today. I am thankful when the program is over and I get in Peeta's green sweatshirt and hop in bed as subtly as possible. Since yesterday, this sweatshirt has gotten emotional value somehow and I feel a strange satisfaction being in it.

I feel even more grateful as Peeta's arms grab me and pull me close to him in an impossibly warm and cozy embrace and a grin pops on my lips. After today's events it feels surreal to be in his arms and I fall asleep, no longer being able to push away from my mind the undeniable fact that, whether I like it or not, I would be lost without my boy with the bread.

**A/N: Please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease leave me your toughts! I really want to know what anyone reading this thinks about it **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you so much for all of last chapter's reviews! They were so heartfelt that it motivated me to get writing a little early. Hint: reviews=faster update ;)**

**Chapter 8**

The warm feeling of water running down my body is like an instant elixir for my aching body. Today, Peeta and I took out to the woods once again and I barely even noticed whether his steps were loud or not. It makes me feel happy to see how it didn't bother me that much today. Even though he has never known to what extent it annoyed me before, and my new approach to it, just knowing I am being nicer to Peeta in my thoughts helps me do it in my actions as well. Not once was I mean or rude today, to him, at least. I can't say the same for that girl receptionist who kept batting her eyelashes at him as we came back inside this afternoon. I had a tingling that she had a little crush on Peeta and I can proudly say I must have cured it today. I can't say I said nice things to her but at least I stopped her ridiculously excessive smiling at him. And it brought a rewarding burst of laughter from Peeta.

But at least to Peeta I've been nice, to the point that by midafternoon, Peeta was fully relaxed and being his usual playful self.

Nothing else has been said about yesterday and I am grateful for it. I know I won't be bringing it up. Walking all day, cloaked under the shade of the giant trees, discovering something new with every step, conversing and laughing with Peeta, it was easy to forget all our worries, all that awaits back at the Capitol and back home. I've noticed Peeta has that effect on people. It should help keep me sane. God knows I need it.

But even Peeta couldn't keep me from remembering it all when we came back inside and there seemed to be such a commotion among all the employees. When Peeta asked one of them as he breezed by us he cordially answered that there would be a special showing of the first episode of our honeymoon in the great dining hall and it was going to be quite an exclusive affair. They even were going to have a special table set out for us.

I tried to contain my disappointment as I had pictured my night in my head and it did not include dressing up and having dinner in a crowded dining hall where everyone's eyes would be on us more than usual.

And I wouldn't have my prep team with me.

But I've observed them enough to manage without them.

I get out of the shower and let the warm air emanating from the smart mat dry me and my hair. To avoid the embarrassing occurrence of two nights ago I made sure to bring in the bathroom the whole suitcase with the "Gowns" tag.

I attempt to braid my hair up in one of the simple styles that I often saw my mother do and that I actually remember how to replicate. It is elegant enough. I could always add something to it later when I choose my dress. I open the makeup suitcase, yes, suitcase and I am surprised I remember most of what these things are meant for. I apply them in a combination that isn't as dramatic as what my prep team would do but I don't risk anything bolder, I am not an expert in these things.

It's time to choose the gown. I open the suitcase and I search through it until a shade of blue pops out and catches my eye. I think I remember my prep team referring to it as azure. The fabric is soft and I can imagine it flowing around me as I walk. I try it on and decide I like this one. It has a thin net that starts from my sweetheart neckline up to my collarbone and just over my shoulders in a delicate jeweled pattern. It is fitted around my torso and the tulle flows out around me all the way down to my ankles, where my feet show off the matching shoes. I have to admit it is beautiful. I accompany it with blue sapphire diamond earrings that fall delicately about two inches from my shoulders. I notice it comes with sapphire pins that I attach along the braids in my updo. I think all things considered, Cinna would be proud of me.

I lightly spray an enticing fragrance and decide that should do it. I have taken longer than I thought I would and I can imagine Peeta must be impatiently waiting outside. I let him shower first and he was supposed to get ready while I was in the bathroom but he must have been done a long time ago.

I walk out the door and I am surprised to see Peeta wearing a shirt and tie that almost match the shade of my dress perfectly. And he must have noticed the coincidence because his mouth is open in surprise and his eyes can't believe it. I can't believe it myself.

"Everyone will think we did this on purpose huh?" I ask a dumbfounded Peeta. He seems to grab ahold of himself and asks:

"What?" a little confused.

"That we are matching, of course. What did you think I was talking about?" I ask, laughing.

"Oh my god, you're right!" he exclaims, smiling nervously.

I am taken aback. Now I am confused.

I replay his nervous laugh.

"Isn't that why you were surprised?" I ask. This is such a stupid question.

"Yeah! It's unbelievable!" he says as he shifts from one foot to the other. This situation has gotten strange. He is acting so weird.

"You're lying. What's wrong? Do you want me to change? Do you think it's too cheesy?" I question him. Then I look over at my dress. It doesn't seem so bad… or is my taste really that off. "Is it broken? Did I stain it with my makeup? Is it too over the top? Does it look that bad?"

"No, no, no, it's perfect. I mean, it's fine, don't worry, anything you wear will look great" he pauses and he must see my incredulous expression. "I mean, Cinna designs all your stuff, so everything he makes is great. Everyone has always loved all his stuff. He's great" he rambles on and on.

"Ok, Peeta, thanks for reassuring me. Can we go?" I ask him. He's being really strange.

He offers me his arm and we walk out.

"Peeta, what was that?" I ask him not knowing how else to describe his behavior.

"You look so beautiful, Katniss" he says with a small smile, no stuttering, no rambling.

I sigh, relieved.

"Well, you should have just said that" I tell him smiling. "I'm sure it's ok for a husband to tell his wife he likes the way she looks". And as soon as the words leave my lips, I mentally reach out and try to put them back in. Yes, we are married, but only for the cameras, and what I just said, though it is true, implies that our marriage isn't fake. Besides, he doesn't need to be my husband to tell me if he thinks I look nice. Why did I have to say that of all things? Why couldn't I just say thanks? Stupid!

"I'll keep that in mind" he nods at me with a small smile. No! Don't keep that in mind! Crap!

We are now in the elevator and it is quiet. Why do I keep making things awkward between Peeta and me? He's the one who is emotionally involved and yet I am the one who keeps saying stupid stuff, letting my emotions control my actions, and making things harder than they need to be, while Peeta is handling things annoyingly perfect, always in control, never saying the wrong things, always making everything better.

It's a fake marriage, for God's sake! It's supposed to be easier!

We are now at the doors to the dining hall and today there are two men opening the double doors for us. We walk in and about half the dining hall is half full which I'm guessing is about as full as it's going to get. We are guided to our table by the chef himself and he tells us he will personally be serving us today. Our table is in the very middle of the room, right under the chandelier. Perfect, now everyone can have a great look at us throughout the night. And I was hoping to enjoy my dinner. Yeah, right.

Peeta and I make our dinner selections and the chef asks us if he may surprise us with a new dish he has added to our menu, to see how we like it, as he trusts our taste blindly.

We agree and he turns around and leaves.

I take a deep breath then sigh in a manner that I am sure would send Effie into a fit.

I look around me and notice we are the point of interest in the room as I feel people's eyes on me.

"Everyone is watching" I whisper to Peeta. "Now I will have to eat with my silverware" I try to joke.

Peeta laughs wholeheartedly at this and gives me a mock disapproving look. I laugh at this and notice how the combination of the chandelier light and the reflection of the soft blue in Peeta's dress shirt make his eyes sparkle and look so very blue, and his teeth look so white in that signature smile of his.

I look away trying to hide my embarrassment as I realize I was staring for a few seconds. I curse myself as I feel my cheeks grow warm against my own will.

"It's ok, Katniss" he says in a joking tone. "I'm sure it's ok for a wife to stare at her husband if she finds him attractive" he says with a mischievous smile and takes a sip of water from his glass without taking his teasing eyes off me.

I try to hide a smile as he throws back at me my comment form earlier and find nothing clever enough to say back at him, so I smack his arm and he bursts out laughing at my annoyance at having no come back.

I finally just look down at my lap and let out a small laugh.

I look at him and he looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something.

Even now all I can think to say is:

"Shut up, Peeta" and then take a sip from my water as I avoid his eyes only confirming to him the truth of his statement, even though it is not true. But I can't think of anything to refute it that won't sound like one more assurance of its veracity so I keep my mouth shut.

The chef comes to us with what I assume is the appetizer.

"Here is our brand new item" he tells us as he sets down a basket with… cheese buns? And then he sets down a little bowl of some kind of oil for us to dip the bread in.

I quickly take one and put it in my mouth. I instantly recognize the unique taste of Peeta's cheese buns and my mouth melts at the delicious taste of them. Once I am done savoring it, I open my eyes to see Peeta's eyes on me.

"These are yours?" I ask him.

Before he can answer, the chef intercepts.

"Well, now they are mine. Peeta gave me permission to use his recipe and I promised to call them after you, but I can't seem to figure out what to call them. The only thing I can think of is Katniss buns but… I don't think so" he says and Peeta tries to hide his laughter under his hands and I try not to laugh but I lose that battle shortly after Peeta. As we see the chef getting a little embarrassed, we stop.

"I wouldn't mind it to be honest" he says to the chef with a wink, as he quickly peeks at me to catch my reaction.

"I'm sure you wouldn't" the chef tells him catching on the joke. "If I am not too bold to ask, were you able to fulfill your… ahem… marital responsibilities successfully last night?" he asks Peeta, recalling what he had said last night as we left the kitchen and I realize they are having a little contest to see who can embarrass me the most.

Peeta answers with:

"Well, I'm the wrong person to ask, truthfully, Katniss would be able to tell you better whether I fulfilled them successfully or not" he says trying to sound serious but unable to hide a small smile.

At that precise moment when he says that I had just stuffed my mouth with a cheese bun and I am thankful for it because I am so shocked he would say that, that all I manage to do is give a thumbs up as I refuse to say anything else that might ignite more questions since I can't deny it either since only Peeta and I know that our relationship isn't like that.

Finally the chef leaves and I could fulminate Peeta with my eyes and to my annoyance he is still smiling at his own jokes.

Take a deep breath, Katniss. Be a good sport.

The rest of our dinner goes by casually and when we are all done, the lights dim and a large screen rolls down by one of the walls.

Great. I had forgotten the real reason we are here. They are going to do a showing of our first day at the resort, yesterday. I am curious to know how they will spin off yesterday's events into our love story, and I am expecting a mediocre attempt to make it look real, waiting to laugh at the pathetic attempt to make anything good out of yesterday.

As the program progresses my smile starts disappearing. I unwillingly admit they are better than I gave them credit for.

They begin by talking a little bit to the employees and asking them what they had seen and almost like out of a script they all ramble on and on about how they have never seen a couple who loved each other more. I want to gag.

Then the actual footage begins with a shot of Peeta and me running down the hallway in the morning holding hands and laughing. I had forgotten about that. That was a pretty good move, I admit, from a movie maker's point of view. My own point of view is that looks highly unlike me. I never look like me on TV, I am always acting. But the crazy thing is that I wasn't even aware of being filmed at that moment.

I feel Peeta's eyes flicker on me for a second then go back to the screen that is now showing the good parts of our breakfast together, with Peeta romantically kissing my ring and me kissing him. I am more comfortable with this. This was acting.

Then it goes to show various moments of our excursion. Me helping Peeta various times when his leg wouldn't allow him to do something or get somewhere. I am surprised by the endearing look on my face when I am doing this. Then it's showing our conversation by the river and everyone awes as Peeta subtly tells me I'm beautiful.

Then some other shots of other parts of the excursion and then on to our lunch at the meadow. We look so comfortable, so eat ease.

Then the kissing begins. I find myself swallowing hard and I feel I must be blushing terribly. Thank God the lights are so dim. I don't even dare to look at Peeta to see how he is reacting. I couldn't possibly catch his eyes if he was doing the same thing.

This moment feels so intimate, so personal, and I can't understand why. Certainly we have never kissed like that for the cameras or ever for that matter. And yet, chills run up and down my body and I get goose bumps because I know that we won't be able to avoid talking about that kiss anymore.

**A/N: Please, let me know what you think! Like it? Love it? :D Hate it? Tell me!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: WOW! :O last chapter's response was too amazing for words. Someone even said that my story had renewed their faith in love :') sadly it was a guest so I couldn't thank them but your review made my day. You know who you are. And a special thanks to everyone who reviewed. I loved reading your suggestions and your thoughts on what you liked best. There is no better inspiration for me than you guys. Special shout out to you guys! Enjoy!**

**Chapter 9**

My hands turn cold and disgustingly sweaty at the thought that in a few minutes I will be alone with Peeta again. There is a mutual silent agreement between us that we can't avoid talking about whatever it is that happened at the meadow. I only need to look at him out of the corner of my eye to see the thought plainly written on his face.

Now I don't want the dinner to come to an end. I want to stay here surrounded by people where I can pretend it's all good. Now I want the Capitol people on the screen to go on talking forever about the beautiful first day of our honeymoon.

But much too soon it is over.

I hurriedly wave at the chef to come over and I order dessert. Anything to prolong this, even though I know it will be fruitless, because I know that no matter how many desserts I order, sooner or later I will have to face this.

But my fluttering heart doesn't listen and forces me to eat my dessert as slowly as possible. It gives me some comfort to see how Peeta chews his a little more than necessary, as well.

The dining room starts clearing out and soon we are the last table occupied here. I see the employees standing around, restless, I'm sure wanting for us to finish already so they can finish their shift and go home.

I think of ordering another dessert but guilt stops me. It's not these people's fault that I am a coward and I am being immature. I should just get this over with and move on.

I stand up and I see several employees modestly sighing in relief and more guilt invades me. Peeta stands up as well and we give our thanks to the chef and walk out arm in arm.

Peeta looks at the floor constantly almost as if he was looking for something he had lost and I look ahead. Then we switch; I am looking down and he looks forward. Then we switch again. We are ridiculous.

Peeta licks his lip and I recognize the motion as meaning that he is about to speak but I beat him to it, before he can bring up the dreaded subject.

"How about those Katniss buns, huh?" I say trying to offer some comic relief but only making things worse, as usually happens when I open my mouth. Then people wonder why I am quiet.

He gives me a complementary chuckle, forced, obviously.

Katniss, just shut up, ok? I tell myself.

I bite my lips together for double measure. I don't trust my mouth. It does things without permission. And a flash of the past few days only proves my point. I kissed Peeta's cheek on our wedding night. I told him since he was my husband he could tell me I looked pretty. I yelled at the receptionist when she tried flirting with Peeta. The way I kissed him on the meadow... Specially the way I kissed him on the meadow. What the heck is my problem? Why am I such a mess lately? Oh, God! Why was I staring at his eyes and dashi... no! normal smile?

I remember now why it is that I don't ever dwell on these things. It never does anyone any good.

And poor Peeta is probably asking himself these very same questions and answering them in hopeful ways. Oh my god! My reckless actions have probably given him false hope! Why have I been so careless?

Then people wonder why I am so uptight! I can't relax. I was so stupid to think I could just let myself go during this week. These things happen when I am not on guard. It is just so difficult to act one way for the cameras and another way in private. It is so hard to keep up with what is real and what isn't. I guess I have let the two personalities slowly merge and now I have confused Peeta and myself, and worse, given him false hope. Poor Peeta, of all people to get fake-married to, he had to get tangled with me. I can't keep my own life together, let alone two!

No, tonight we will not talk about that kiss. Not tonight, not ever. It will only hurt him more. And I promised that I would try my hardest to make Peeta's life with me as bearable and happy as possible. And I lost sight of that promise.

But it's time to get focused again. It may momentarily confuse Peeta but it will be better in the long run. I have to get a hold of myself. Do what is best for Peeta. Do what is best for Peeta. Do what is best for Peeta. I repeat this in my head.

What is that? It is best for him to continue thinking that everything that has happened so far has been my plan for the cameras, and not a lack of judgment on my part.

I mentally pat myself on the back and I feel a little proud in the hard decisions I have made tonight, even though my emotions want to go on an opposite route.

We have been in the room for a little bit now and neither one of us has spoken a word. We have just gone about our routine as usual, getting ready for bed.

Peeta seems hesitant, perhaps waiting for me to start the conversation. Well, I won't. Matter of fact I have put on my signature scowl, and I try to look as uninviting as possible, to make sure he doesn't do something stupid. Like bring up the kiss or something.

After a while, I think my plan has worked. He doesn't seem hesitant anymore. He just looks... terribly sad.

I know I should be happy that we have both decided to avoid this conversation but I can't help but feel this horrible turmoil in my stomach.

He is dressed in his pajamas and is sitting by the glass wall, staring out into the dark landscape.

I want to run to him and give him a hug and explain all my thoughts but I remember my promise and I know it will best if I don't. I will only add more confusion in the mix.

So I get in the cold lonely bed and get in fetal position, trying to generate the warmth I have gotten used to but cannot attain without a second body.

The cold keeps me up but Peeta doesn't stir from where he is. I want to call out to him, to ask him to come and hold me but I don't dare. And I can only torture myself thinking of all the wrong thoughts that are going through his head and how I want to make them right, to explain everything and wipe away that wounded expression from his face. That face that should only ever look happy and smiling and kind, because that is who Peeta is and that is what he deserves.

He doesn't deserve to be stuck with me.

A silent tear rolls down my eye and hits the mattress. Minutes later, I feel the cool wetness of the sheets, soaked in my stupid tears, and I fall asleep, out of complete and utter mental exhaustion.

The next few days fly in a blur. It feels a lot like the past.

We act sickeningly loving outside the room, then silent and taciturn when we are alone.

How did we get here? Things were so perfect during the Victory tour. In regards to us only, of course. We had found a balance where we could pretend, or better said, I could pretend to be in love in front of the cameras and we would just turn into good friends when we were alone.

Only I don't know how to make that happen. It was Peeta who did that. He knew just how to do it, how to make it happen. I just followed his lead.

But Peeta is not trying anymore. What did I ever do to this poor boy? How did I tear hope from him in this way? How did I make his enthusiastic smile disappear and erase the spark from his eyes? Why do I destroy everything beautiful and kind? No wonder I won the Hunger Games. No one decent ever does.

In this lethargic manner the rest of our days at the resort pass by and then we were packing and getting into the car that would take us to the Capitol and then on the train back to District 12, just in time for the reaping.

And out of nowhere, this desperate wish to see Haymitch rises in me and I count the hours till I can see him and talk to him. I hope that from the episodes he might have an idea of what has been going on so I don't have to tell him or ask for his advice. He will more likely give it to me anyway. And I am severely hoping for it.

It is sad indeed when your only true source of guidance comes from a drunk. It is sad indeed. Yet, somehow he shifted at one point from being my game mentor into life mentor. It must be in his nature.

But as badly as I want to see him and my mom and Prim, I dread going back. Because it will mean that two more children will be sentenced to death.

This Quarter Quell will consist of a reaping of children who have committed crimes, Gale would be in there without a doubt, if he wasn't 19 already, and the children of criminals. What a clever way of the Capitol to punish the traitors. Take the rebellious children and the children of the rebellious ones and kill them in some sort of sport. It will be a sure way to calm things. There is no better way to get anyone who had thought of uprising to think better of it or to teach a lesson to the ones who had already tried.

There is one positive outcome to this. I know Prim will be safe. But what about Gale's brothers and sisters? Will they be put in there because of Gale's incident with the goose and the new Head Peacekeeper?

I hope not. No matter where Gale and I stand, they do not deserve this. None of these children do. Not the ones who out of hunger and necessity have violated the law, or whose parents have. They should not have to pay for whatever decisions their parents have made.

I can tell we are almost here as I feel the train slowing down. I peek out of the window and see Prim, my mom, Haymiitch, Cinna and my prep team all waving at me. Cinna and the prep team must have come early to prepare. After all the reaping is in only a few hours.

I also see Peeta's brothers and dad waiting to receive him, but no sign of his mother. I am not surprised. But by the look on Peeta's eyes, I can tell he held some hope.

I risk a tentative smile at him that he acknowledges but doesn't return. Is it really that bad that he won't even make an effort to smile back at me?

I don't blame him, to be honest.

I get off the train and run to everyone to hug them. Forget pride, I have missed them too much. I have missed them and I have missed having love and affection.

Thankfully, a busy day awaits me, which should guarantee I won't have a second to remember to pity myself. I will be too busy sorrowing for others more unfortunate than me.

**A/N: Ok, before you all hate me, I want to tell you I have big, big, big, big, plans! As our dear Effie would say. This chapter was needed to move the story along. I mean, you guys want to get to the good part, right? Well, I tell you, it's coming! Just trust me please, and do not give up on me! I will make it all worth it! Or at least I hope you guys will think so. **

**Regardless, please leave me your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, I will appreciate them all! :) Love you, guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Wow, the response last chapter receive was too amazing for words! You guys have been so great, and all the reviews were so heartfelt, I could actually hear your excitement in your words. Thank you for continuing to read this story. You have helped so much! Enjoy!**

**Chapter 10**

My prep team fusses incessantly around me, about the honeymoon episodes, about the upcoming reapings, and how these games will be the most exciting ever. Good thing I have learned to shut them out. I examine my face in the mirror. Is this the same girl from a week ago? Was it really only eight days that I was sitting down as my prep team got me ready for my wedding?

I can't recall my feelings very well because everything in regards to that day was such a blur. But I can tell a few things are different. For one, Peeta was speaking to me, we were still on good terms. Of course, back then I hadn't hurt him as I have recently and I don't know how to fix it. I remember that as Haymitch walked me down the aisle, I was hoping he wouldn't speak, he wouldn't say a bad joke or try to say something meaningful, while today I want him to talk to me and tell me what to do with Peeta. At least, when it comes to us he always seems to know what is best, while in my case, whenever I make a decision on my own, only disaster follows.

It brings me to question whether I was right to do what I did...

Well, that's not important right now. I won't be able to talk to Haymitch until tonight and there are bigger problems at hand. Like the twenty four children who will be chosen to fight to death. Somehow thinking about this makes my problems seem so childish, so insignificant. Because at least, I know after today, I won't have to say good bye to a loved one forever, like the families of the tributes will.

The weeks ahead of us will be unbearable for the country and I will be held responsible if I don't bring someone home with me. I know at the end of the day there is only so much a mentor can do but I know I will always wonder if I could have done more. If it drove Haymitch to drown himself in alcohol and has driven so many other victors down worse paths, what makes me think things will be any easier for me?

Thank God at least I have... oh, wait... I don't... he's not speaking to me and I am not speaking to him either. Now I wish I had fixed things before. Why did I let a whole week pass by without trying to make things better? Why did I wait until the very last minute? I don't know what I'll do with myself if I have to face this alone.

And now I am more resolved than ever to figure this out.

My prep team is now done with me and Cinna comes in to take over for them. And I wonder if now that Cinna will have a new tribute to dress, will he still dress me?

I ask him and he replies:

"As if you had a choice" he says as he buttons me up and I laugh.

"I didn't know victors got to keep their stylists" I say, relieved to know Cinna will be sticking around. He feels as much family as Haymitch and, dare I say it, Effie do.

"They don't" he says matter-of-factly.

I turn around and give him a confused look.

"What do you mean? So you actually like me?" I ask mockingly.

He laughs and my heart rejoices. I realize it's been a while I don't hear laughter. And being here with Cinna I can almost forget what we're getting dressed for.

"You couldn't get me to stop designing for you if you tried, girl on fire" he says with a soft smile.

I smile back.

"Good" is all I say but it's enough for him to know how happy I am to hear that.

We're finished now and heading towards the main square where everyone is already waiting, the dread on their faces is heart breaking and I remember I must have looked that way a year ago. And now I am here on the other side, the safe side. It almost seems unfair. But then I remember all the Capitol has done to me and I wish I was still among them, in my mother's old dress, hoping neither Prim or I would get chosen.

This time Haymitch isn't as fully drunk as last year, and I like to think that Peeta and I being here has affected that. After all, he is no longer an official mentor. Peeta and I are. He is coming along with us, to show us the ropes and help us since we are both first timers. It's kind of him to do so. I don't think I could do this without either one of them.

We are sitting next to each other hearing the Mayor read the same old speech we all have memorized and no one wants to hear anymore.

Then it is over and Effie stands up to do her job of picking out the papers with the unfortunate children's names who will participate this year.

And now I would rather be back at the speech part. No one was getting sentenced to death then at least.

Effie walks in her tiny steps towards the microphone and begins.

"Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing District 12 in the 75th annual Hunger Games, the Third Quarter Quell. As usual, ladies first!" she says as cheerfully as she can and walks over to the big crystal bowl with the names.

I thought the amount of paper slips would be less since the children belonging to families with clean slates will be safe but I guess there aren't many of those. Specially not since the new Head Peacekeeper was assigned.

Her small walk to and back seems eternal, aside from the fact that she can only take small steps in those heels.

She is once again in front of the microphone and she takes her sweet time to read out the name.

"Azalea Mortimer" she says loud and clear and everything and everyone falls silent. You only hear the wind howling in a sinister way, almost if it knew what a tragic moment this was.

I search the crowd of pale, poker faces until my eyes land on a blonde delicate thing that has fallen to her knees and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

I recognize her now. She is about a year older than me so we were in school together. I never knew her personally but I didn't need to, to know she was from town. She always dressed a little better than all of us, and her light hair and fair skin set her aside from the kids from the Seam.

Now I wonder how her name got in that bowl. She should have no reason to steal or break the law. Most merchant's kids didn't. She must have a special meaning for the Capitol. I bet that bowl was full of little papers with her name on it. It wouldn't be the first time a reaping is arranged.

She takes a few deep breaths and swallows her sobs as she straightens up, lifts her chin and tries to walk towards the small stage as dignified as possible.

She stands by Effie, incredulous, and I remember feeling the same way when I volunteered for Prim. Even though we all knew we could be reaped, it's never easy to accept that you are. You could see it on their faces every year.

"And now for the boys!" she says and repeats the same agonizing steps as she chooses the boy whose life will be changed forever.

"Gerrit Whittaker" she says and we almost immediately see the boy, though he is hardly a boy, start to walk in large decided steps towards us. No hesitating, no shock. Almost as if he knew he would be chosen or, if I didn't know better, that he was glad. He is from the Seam, I can tell, by his olive skin and dark hair.

He joins the girl tribute and Effie and we hear her announce them.

"Well, shake hands, you too" she says and as they do, I see a flash of recognition flash between their eyes, and their shake is like a silent agreement.

"Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be _ever_ in your favor!" Effie says and we are all taken inside. Before I can say anything, Peeta beats me to it.

"Was I the only one who noticed it?" he asks if we should know exactly what he is talking about. And we do. We both nod but say nothing more. It isn't safe. But Haymitch's furrowed eyebrows tells me this is more serious than I thought.

I am troubled because the things I want to discuss with Haymitch only pile up. At least one of them I can do at anytime I am alone with him while for the other one I have to wait until the train stops and we can step outside.

But for now we wait. We wait until the tributes say their good byes. I see a small family with matching light hair and skin go in the room where the girl is. I recognize the man I assume is her father as the owner of the flower shop, not exactly a thriving business. Could they have been in more need than we thought?

A large man with about another four overgrown children go inside to see the boy tribute. By the kid's faces you can see they cannot be more than teenagers but their bodies would suggest otherwise. The father is just as menacingly tall and there is a look of vengeance in his eyes. I catch my breath when just before he steps inside his land on mine by no mistake and they linger on me for just a few seconds before he closes the door.

A shiver runs through my body and I, by pure instinct and habit, reach out and take Peeta's hand and grasp it tight. I get a strange look from him but I barely acknowledge it. The man's eyes replay on my mind.

Just what exactly is going on? I dread and anticipate the answer.

The possible explanations swarm my head until I feel dizzy.

We are finally on the train, and walking to the dining car where the tributes expect to officially meet us.

I walk in first and Peeta and Haymitch follow.

We take in the kids in front of us.

Azalea moves her eyes from her hands on her lap to us and back a few times while Gerrit never takes his eyes off me and I can't rip my eyes away from his gaze either. I feel that if I do I am giving him some advantage over me, as crazy as that sounds even to me, since I am the mentor here.

Peeta breaks the ice.

I am relieved. I remember Haymitch's welcome to us when we first met him and he was no Prince Charming.

"Uh, hello. We will be your mentors, Katniss and I. We will do what we can to prepare you but you must know you and you only can guarantee your survival" he starts but Haymitch interrupts him.

"Don't give it to them so sweet. They need to understand what they are in" he says stopping Peeta by placing the back of his hand on his chest and coming to where they are and sits across from them.

"First, embrace the probability of your imminent death" he says and makes a pause for that to sink in. The girl flinches at his blunt words but the boy doesn't even blink. "And know, in your hearts, that there is nothing I can do to save you" he finishes. Good old Haymitch. You can always count on him to tell it like it is. He spares no one's feelings. I think that's why I like him, for his straight up honesty. I know it helped me survive.

Peeta goes and sits next to him and I sit on the remaining spot, next to Peeta.

"I know neither one of you volunteered for this but now you are here and no one and nothing is going to get you out of it. So from today, ask yourself before you say or do anything: Is this going to help me live or drown me deeper?" he says fiercely.

Peeta and I watch. We didn't think he was going to take such an active role in this but I'm not complaining.

"Tomorrow the real training begins. You will learn how to get sponsors and etiquette. You will need both to come home" he points at them before they can complain. "Gerrit, you will train with Peeta and Azalea, you will train with Katniss".

For the first time since she was chosen, she opens her mouth.

"I'd rather train with Peeta" she says, trying to sound demanding.

My jaw tightens and I give her a deadly look before I say:

"Girl with girl, boy with boy" I say each word slowly so she sees I am not going to budge. "That's the way it is and it is going to stay like that".

"Uh, actually, Katniss, there really isn't a rule about it" Haymitch says. "If Gerrit has no complaints to train with you..." he continues but I interrupt him.

I slam my hand against the table as hard as I can and spit out:

"I have complaints!" I yell at Haymitch. There is a pause and everyone is quiet, looking at me wide eyed, Peeta more shocked than anyone, maybe a little frightened at my outburst. "Peeta trains Gerrit" I add, no doubt in my voice.

I see Haymitch's shock turns into a wicked half smile and I want to slap it out of his face. Why is he supporting this?

To all of our surprises, Gerrit speaks:

"I don't mind" he states. "I doubt lover boy here has anything to teach me anyways" he says as he turns his head sideways and looks at Peeta. "I won't need to slowly die by a ditch waiting for a girl to come rescue me to win. I have other methods in mind" he adds and I see Peeta stand up and reach over as Haymitch holds him back.

Woah! Where did that come from? Did kind, sweet Peeta just try to fight the tribute he will be coaching, who, might I add, has about a foot and a hundred pounds on him?

Thank God Haymitch caught him.

"You need to calm down boy!" Haymitch spits out at him. Peeta is both a little ashamed at being yelled at mixed with fury. His chest rises and falls rapidly and I have to blink a few times to believe what is in front of my eyes.

Haymitch moves his hair out of his face and looks harshly at Peeta.

"Now you've done it!" he points his finger at him. "Now you really will be training Azalea and Katniss will training Gerrit" he looks back and forth between us. I open my mouth to complain but one look from Haymitch makes me think better of it. My nostrils flare and my mouth is one thin line.

I stand up loudly pushing my chair away and walk off to the last car.

I am angry for so many reasons that I can't decide which one to think about first, but before I can choose, Haymitch and Peeta walk in and Haymitch is more like dragging Peeta. He lets him go abruptly and looks between us.

"What the hell was that?" he says in a low threatening tone.

This isn't how I pictured having this conversation...

**A/N: Bit of a cliffhanger huh? :D leave me your thoughts and I will be getting back at you guys with an update soon! ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello everyone! Thank you to all who reviewed last chapter :') you all make me want to cry of happiness with all your beautiful reviews! Enjoy!**

**Chapter 11**

"What the hell was that?" Haymitch asks rubbing his temples. Peeta and I exchange a look but neither one us says anything. "Well? One of you better explain what is going on!"

This is isn't how imagined having this conversation but now I don't know how to avoid it. I want to tell Haymitch everything but Peeta is standing right there and I can't summon the courage.

"I didn't like the way she said it. I don't trust her… either of them. I really think I should train Azalea" I begin. That sounds safe enough.

"Well, whether you trust her or not, she's gonna get away with it, sweetheart. After Peeta's little show, there is no way you'll be alone in a room with Gerrit again" he says turning to Peeta.

"You heard what he said, Haymitch" Peeta says.

"Who cares what he said? It's no secret, what happened in the arena. Don't you see he was just trying to get under your skin? Out of all people, Peeta! I would have expected something like that from Katniss but from you?" he says exasperated. Peeta looks down in shame.

"And you? Why did you have to oppose to Peeta training Azalea?" he asks me.

I think before I answer.

"Like I said, I thought I would be better suited to train a girl than a boy. It's just common sense" I defend myself. To be completely honest, I'm not sure why it bothered me so much.

They both give me puzzled looks.

"Look, I don't care what issues you got with these kids. They're your tributes, you're their mentors. And from now on, it is to be your main focus to help them survive. You need to push your issues to one side" he says trying to calm down.

"Haymitch…" I begin but then I stop myself. I can't discuss this in the train. It could be bugged. "You know I have good reasons" is all I dare say.

He looks at me for a few seconds and I know he knows what I'm talking about.

"Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry but after what you both pulled back there, I don't really trust your judgment to be too sound" he tells me. I am confused. I know we can't talk about this here but he sounds serious when he says that. Does he know something I don't know?

"Are you really gonna do this because of a stupid little outrage?" I ask aggravated.

Haymitch's eyes look at me in a way that I don't really need an answer anymore.

"You both have a lot of maturity to show me before I trust you can handle more than your own personal problems" he tells me and Peeta.

Oh, God, please don't go there!

"Haymitch…" Peeta says with that wounded look on his eyes. I don't let him say whatever he was going to say. I don't want him to. I don't want to hear it.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I tell Haymitch and I eye him in a way that should suffice to say, 'we'll talk about this later'.

I'm sure Haymitch grasps my full meaning but he decides to ignore it.

"Look, kids, I know it's a lot to get married under the circumstances that you did" he says and he sounds more understanding "but there are bigger things going on here" he says and he lingers there as if to tell us there is more to all this than meets the eye. "So you guys need to…" and he makes an untangling motion with this hands "figure this out. I know this must be a little awkward and difficult" at this Peeta looks down and I raise my eyebrows as if to say 'ya think?' "but you really gotta pull yourselves together. Be the smart kids that together were strong enough to survive the Hunger Games" Peeta and I look at each other realizing we have both been a little immature. Me more than Peeta, I have to admit.

There is so much more that I want to tell Haymitch but I guess it's going to have to wait. I have so many questions. And if I don't get answers before we get to the Capitol, it will be too late. NO where is safe in the Capitol. But right now there isn't much else that can be discussed.

We all look at each other in mutual understanding.

"Be ready for dinner in two hours" he says and turns around to leave. I don't know what comes over me but as Peeta turns around to go without meeting my eyes, I know I cannot take this another minute. With or without Haymitch's advice, we are going to talk today.

"Peeta!" I call out in a way that sounds a little too desperate than I meant it to sound. It's almost a whimper.

Peeta slowly turns around, confusion plainly written on his face. He is expecting me to say, do something but I don't know what I am going to say.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. What would Haymitch tell me? I can almost hear him say 'Be nice to the boy. You could never deserve him'.

"I haven't been very nice" I state the obvious. My chest wants to explode with all the things I want to tell him but I am afraid. I decide to play it safe, let him answer to that, see what he says.

"Well, I haven't exactly kept my promise either" he says and I am confused. He sees it and explains further. "I've been acting wounded" he says without meeting my eyes. "I'll stop I promise" he says looking down at his feet. Leave it to Peeta to apologize when I've been the jerk.

"You don't have to" I say and it's my turn to look down in my lap. "It's not fair that I get to act the way I feel but you have to contain your feelings" I say and dare to look at him for a second, just to see his reaction, if it is safe to continue or not. His eyes examine me, almost looking a little suspicious. I know, it must be such a sight to see me yielding. But I have to think what I say or I could end up giving him the wrong impression.

"Katniss, it's not your fault that I have to complicate things, ok?" he says looking at me, sincerity in his eyes. His face has that humble kind look that just makes you want to give him a hug. He takes a deep breath. "Like I said, I'll try harder. You saved my life. It's the least I can do for you" he says plainly, as if it needs no more explanation.

But it still doesn't seem fair. He shouldn't have to owe me for life for me helping him. We really just got lucky that they let us both win. I wouldn't have given him a second thought if the rules hadn't been altered, and just that makes me feel guiltier. If one of us should have won those games, it was him. He's the better person.

"No, Peeta" I stop him as he is about to turn around and leave. I'm not sure what I'm telling him no for. Don't go? Don't hide your feelings? Don't be selfless for once? "I…" I what? What do I want from him? I don't know the answer to that question. How can expect him to behave in a way that won't make things weird when I myself don't know what I want, what would make me happy, what would put me at ease. And I realize my discontent has nothing to do with him. Peeta is perfect just the way he is and me trying to tell him how to be or not to be isn't going to make me happy or him. And I remember what I promised myself on our wedding day. To do what I could to make his life next to me as happy as possible.

"Peeta, I have just been under a lot of stress and I think I have been blaming you for it when all you have done is helped me stay sane" I say and I swallow. Wow, that felt great to get off my chest. I want the feeling to continue. I take a risky move and keep going with my train of thought. "And the truth is, I can't do this without you" I tell him and this feels unbearably risky. I feel so vulnerable, so weak. Why did I say that? Oh, too late. The words are out. I take a look at Peeta to see what his reaction is and he seems to be… touched? Ok, that seems about right. That's a good feeling, right? So that means what I said must have been the right thing to say.

He nods and smiles a tiny smile. "Alright" is all he says.

That's it? Peeta, the great speaker, has only one word for me? After I took a chance and told him something that might potentially cause me pain to have said in the future and all he has to say is ' alright'?

Does he mean to keep ignoring me still? Or is he going to go back to being supportive and a good friend?

"So?" I can't let him leave me like this.

"So I'll see you at dinner" he says with the same diminutive smile and walks out and closes the door after him.

My mouth must be wide open because my shock couldn't be greater. Did he just… did he just walk out on me after my declaration? I was expecting for him to go on a tangent where he tells me he will be here for me no matter what and take care of me and protect me and I half expected a hug, too. Some sort of reassurance that I didn't just make the greatest mistake of my life! I just opened up to him big time and he leaves me hanging like that? What kind of person does that? Doesn't he know how hard it was for me to do all that? He knows I'm not like him, that he just tells the whole country he's been in love with the same girl for more than ten years like he's talking about a bread recipe. I can't do that. He knows it. Why wasn't he more appreciative of my efforts?

I am tapping my foot so hard you must be able to hear it in the next car.

Well, if he is going to be like that, then his loss. We can go back to being the way we are. I don't care. He's the one who was acting all hurt and that's why I tried to make things better but if he's going to be like that than why bother?

But I know Peeta. He was probably just in shock after hearing me say those things. I am sure when I go to our room to shower and get ready he will somehow let me know how relieved he is to know that I appreciate all he does for me, to help me go through all this.

I am walking to our car, when I run into Haymitch.

"Haymitch!"

"Hey, sweetheart, did you and Peeta kiss and make up?" he teases me and I give him as deadly a look as I can. I need his help still because if I was confused earlier, I am more confused now. So I ignore his dumb question.

"Katniss, you gotta quit it with your mood swings" he says as naturally as if he hadn't just offended me. Where'd that come from?

"Excuse me?" I ask him.

"You may have fooled the country but I know you've been giving the boy a hard time" he says.

"I'd like to see you try being married to someone by force, and not just anyone, but someone who wishes it were real?" I snap.

"So you can only imagine how much harder it must be for him!" he exclaims a little exasperated at me.

I can't deny he's right but I'm not ready to tell him that.

"So then it must be easy for me to have to watch everything I do, right? Making sure that the next thing that is gonna come out of my mouth isn't gonna hurt him more? Afraid that I do something that could give him the wrong idea? I have to be on my toes every second of my life! If we're in front of the cameras, act in love. If I'm not, act cold! It's exhausting!" I sigh heavily.

"It shouldn't be…" Haymitch starts but I interrupt.

"What would you know!?" I snap angrily.

"I don't need to know! You don't need to act all the time you know? Why do you need to be cold around him? Do you hate him?" he asks me.

"No, I don't hate him" and this time Haymitch is the one interrupts me.

"So, then what do you feel?"

"I don't know! I don't know…" I say and I realize that it's true. I am confused about Peeta. But why? Shouldn't it be enough to know I'm not in love with him and that's it?

Haymitch raises his eyebrows at me and turns his head sideways.

"You… You don't know? Alright, well let's find out, shall we?" he sits down and pats the couch in front of him.

I suddenly feel very uncomfortable and I hug myself as I sit down.

"Do you care at all, whether Peeta lives or dies?" he asks and I look at him annoyed. What kind of stupid questions is that?

"Of course" I say as I remember the promise I made myself. "Peeta is a much better person than I am by a million years" I admit.

"I didn't ask you who the better person was. You already knew that back in the arena and still looked out for your life even though you knew he had risked his to protect you or could possibly be dying in a ditch somewhere, which in fact he was, and yet you still tried to save your own skin".

"I was thinking of my mother and Prim" I state honestly.

"Of course. No one would hold that against you. So let's go back to our original question. Do you care for Peeta?" he asks slowly as if I was slow.

"Yes, I care about Peeta" I answer annoyed. Why am I being interrogated?

"Ok, to what extent?" he asks carefully. I am regretting having come to him. He's half-drunk anyways.

"I don't know, Haymitch. What does it matter?" I throw my hands in the air in annoyance. It's really uncomfortable to talk to Haymitch about this stuff. I'm strongly considering just leaving the room.

"Do you wanna be nicer to your bread boy, yes or no?" he asks.

"Yes, but what does all this have to do with anything?"

"If you wanna know how to be nice to him, you need to know to what lengths you care about the boy, otherwise, you will never know if you are showing too much or too little. Your problem is that you don't know how to act around him because you don't know how much you care. So what is honest and what isn't? To know that you gotta know what your deal is. Cuz the truth is if what your actions dictate is hope, it's because there is hope. If your actions dictate coldness, it's because you could care less. There is no such thing as showing too little or too much, you just gotta know what is true. You keep driving Peeta crazy and confusing him because you yourself don't even know what's going on inside that pretty head of yours!" he preaches to me.

I am speechless. I am in shock. Haymitch's words have slapped me in the face.

Before I can stand up and walk away, he sees my intentions.

"Stay where you are or I swear…" he says menacingly and points his bottle of whisky at me.

I cross my arms across my chest. I don't like the turn this conversation has taken even though inside my mind there is a little something that tells me what he says is true so I stay put. He might be a little cruel but at least he's being honest. And isn't that what I want? Honesty? Help figuring out how I should be? So I do as he says and stay put.

"So tell me, how far you would go to preserve his life?" he asks me and takes a sip.

"I don't know Haymitch. I guess, I'd have to be in the position to know" I say uncomfortably.

"Then just be yourself, sweetheart. Stop watching your every word and every move and he'll know exactly, without a doubt, how you feel. Trust me, you'll leave him without a doubt" he winks at me and stumbles out of the room.

I'm not sure just how much I should listen to him but I did seek his advice and he's right. I love Peeta. And once I let my actions be guided by this non-romantic love, he will see that I care about him without getting the wrong idea.

It's fool-proof, right?

**A/N: Or is it? ;)**

**There you have it : ) I apologize in advance, I will be out of town this weekend and I doubt I will be able to update : ( I am sooo sorry, guys! But I will try my hardest to see if I can squeeze in a chapter as soon as I have the chance. Regardless, please let me know what you think of this chapter! Every review makes my heart skip a beat! 3**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thank youuuuuuuu everyone who reviewed last chapter! Thank you to all your encouragement and suggestions. They were very appreciated and duly noted :) Enjoy!**

**Chapter 12**

By the time I get to my room to get ready for dinner, Peeta wasn't there. I was relieved to see I would have some time alone to gather my thoughts and organize them in my head.

Haymitch had said I shouldn't guard my actions, after all they will be guided by my feelings. And that is exactly what I want to convey to Peeta. It seems simple enough.

Then I remember... I did try it before. Back in our honeymoon, on our first days and it only lead to disaster. But it does seem like nothing I do ever leads to anything that _isn't _disastrous. But this is what Haymitch advised and I have to try it. I have no other plan.

Last week I was having to do a mix between showing my true nature and acting for the cameras every single minute of the day. So I kept messing up and going back and forth between these two personalities. No wonder I drove Peeta a little crazy.

But that time is over. For the next weeks I won't be recorded all the time like last week and I shouldn't have to pretend too much except in the interviews. I hope this helps me settle things between Peeta and I.

After I shower and dress it is almost time for dinner. I walk to the dining car and find everyone is ready and sitting down. I search for Peeta and see both spaces by his side are taken. One by Haymitch, obviously avoiding sitting next to Effie- the only available chair- and the other by Azalea. I don't know what she is trying to accomplish by this but if it is to bother me I will make sure she sees I am not bothered. I won't let her get to me.

I take my place between Effie and Gerrit. DInner goes by but I account for very little as I am immerged in my own thoughts. Thoughts that puzzle over these two tributes, who, seemingly from completely different backgrounds, gave each other a knowing look when they shook hands, over Gerrit's resignation, almost could be called expectation, when he was reaped, the way his father looked at me when we met, the girl's insistence to be close to Peeta... It all seems connected somehow but I can't put it together in my head. And I know Haymitch has to know _something_. But he already expressed he won't say a word to me, at least for now. Perhaps he will once it's safe.

Could all of this have to do with the rebellion? I find it hard to connect but what else could it be?

I feel Haymitch's eyes on me but I act as if I don't notice. What I do notice is that Gerrit, just like me, hasn't said a word all night.

Dinner is over and the replay of the reapings of the other districts won't be for another twenty minutes so we all disperse for the moment.

I just want peace and quiet for now so I decide to go to TV room and just wait there. But no sooner I am sitting on the couch Peeta walks in and this time he makes sure to sit between me and the arm rest. There is something sweet about this action.

I am so overwhelmed by my worries that I lean sideways and rest my head on his shoulders. We just sit there for a bit and I begin to think of how much worse things would be if I had been forced to marry someone else.

What if it had been somebody who would try to force themselves on me? Or someone arrogant and self-centered? A million horrible possibilities run through my mind and I admit how lucky I am Peeta is who he is. And I want him to know this. I think about how I will go about this before I begin.

"I never wanted to get married" I plainly state. He doesn't respond for a few seconds but finally says:

"I know" he says ashamed.

"I mean, I never wanted to be married ever, to anyone. I always thought that way. I wanted to never fall in love" I explain and make a pause. "To me, it just seems like love leads to children and children only suffer. I never wanted to watch a child of mine get reaped and not be able to do anything about it" I confess.

"Really?" he asks a little incredulous. "It seems I was doomed to fail from the start then, huh?" he says lightly and laughs.

"I guess, what I wanna say is, Peeta..." I sit up and look him in the eyes and there is such vulnerability there. Like with a single phrase or word I could brake him. And I can. "Neither one of us wanted this, not like this. But, if I did have to be arranged-married to someone by the Capitol's wishes, at least I am glad it's you" I say and I know this is probably the single time I have been 100% honest with Peeta.

His eyes sparkle and they seem to hesitate... His lips part as to say something and I know, by his expression full of tenderness, that it is going to be profound but I never get to hear it because in that precise moment, Effie decides to grace us with her presence.

"Oops!" she giggles, "I hope I didn't interrupt something!" and by her playful tone and the relative closeness between Peeta and I, I am sure she assumed and is completely mistaken about what had been transpiring. I don't correct her. It doesn't matter what she thought.

Seconds later Azalea walks in and her face drops as she sees there is no space by Peeta. I silently feel triumph.

Within a minute everyone is settled and ready for the repeats. We watch as District after District defenseless children are chosen. Some stand out. District 9's boy tribute looks strong and like he could be trouble. There is something in the girl from District 6 that reminds me of Gerrit's expression. District 4, 2, and 1 have their usual Carriers and District 3 offers a boy in glasses, scrawny, and pale. His defenselessness catches my attention. The rest of the tributes just blur together.

I see Haymitch agrees with me as we later discuss the things we noticed about the other tributes. Peeta offers that the girl from 11, though thin, seems agile and not easily afraid. It is impossible to do anymore than speculate at this early stage but we know now who we should focus on... Who should be target to kill...

I feel sick as the reality dawns on me. We aren't preparing them for a race, or even a competition. We are preparing them to make sure 23 others die, including one of the two tributes in the room.

I get up and storm out of the room and I am not out before my ears recognize Peeta's familiar step a few feet behind me. He doesn't attempt to catch up; he doesn't attempt to stop me and I am grateful. I need to get away from all this.

My mind rushes to figure out the closest place of solace but comes up with none as I can only find solace away from here. So I just go to our room and look at the window.

The sight of the trees as we rapidly pass by calms me a little bit but a desperate yearning to reach out and hold on to them takes over me.

My chest feels hollow and I breathe deeply in a infertile attempt to fill it.

Peeta stands next to me and looks out with me for a little bit before taking my hand in his and endeavors a look at me. I don't need to look at him to know it is full of concern.

"Be strong, Katniss. We will get through this" he says and squeezes my hand. "It'll be over soon" he says unsure, because he knows these days will linger like no others. And I know that no matter how relieved I am when these games are over, in a year I will have to relive them. How can people stand this way of life? How can I?

I hug Peeta and a silent tear falls on his chest. Nothing has changed but I take a little comfort in knowing at least Prim should be safe and never be hungry again. I try to be selfish and not think about how that remedies nothing and there are so many other people still in those conditions. At least Prim is ok. At least she will have a chance at happiness.

This thought is comforting and I hold on to it because it's the only good one I have.

I ready for bed and lay down, trying to find sleep. Then I remember, I never got to hear what Peeta was going to say earlier. I open my mouth to ask but stop myself. I am sure he will tell me when he finds the right moment for him. Perhaps he thought better than to say it. Regardless, I will leave it up to him.

The next day we train. I am in a room with Gerrit and Peeta is in a room with Azalea. I ask Haymitch to swing by every once and a while and check how they are doing and he just laughs at me.

Training Gerrit feels like trying to train a wall. I talk about etiquette and he just looks at me and says nothing. I can't decipher what he is thinking and says nothing, not even assurance that he is listening. The afternoon is much the same, but this time I am explaining how sponsors work, how to get them, and why it is important to try your best to aim for as many as possible. I get as much response as I did in the morning session.

Since he asks no questions I am soon out of training material and I leave before he thinks better of it and strangles me.

When I see Peeta that night I fight the urge to interrogate him about his day with Azalea. But the picture of Peeta and her alone all day bothers me, not because of Peeta, but because I know she must have some agenda and it kills me not to know what her plan is. Surely, she isn't trying to enamor Peeta. She must know there is next to nothing that Peeta can do to save her, right? I battle with the thoughts of pulling her hair out during dinner.

The next morning we arrive at the Capitol. Azalea stands in awe as she takes in the grandeur of it all. She reminds me of Peeta when he first saw it, too. Gerrit resembles more what I looked like when I saw it.

They are whisked away to be officially examined by their stylists and beautified by their respective teams and I don't envy them. I am grateful that was taken care of on Reaping Day.

Tonight, they will be shown off to the Capitol during opening ceremonies and I wonder what Cinna will have in store for them. I remember our opening ceremonies and I am relieved I am no longer required to wear flames.

But for Peeta and I today means we have nothing in schedule until the ceremony and I am glad to not be watched, or filmed, for a few hours, to try to forget where I am and why. As I settle in our room Peeta orders an outrageous amount of food. When it arrives I see it is in a basket and comes with a tablecloth. I look at Peeta questioningly and he just replies:

"Wanna take advantage of the roof before the new kids discover it?" he asks with a smile.

I nod and follow him outside. We spread out the tablecloth and put the food basket on one side and we instinctively lay down together. He holds his arm out inviting me to use it as a pillow as I so often do and I accept.

I smile gratefully at Peeta. I need this. We both just need a few lazy hours, out and away from everyone, just Peeta and I. If I could have this, I think I just might be ready to take on the next few weeks.

**A/N: There you have it! :) I will try to update tomorrow and I hope by then I can hear what you all thought of this chapter! Thank you and I love you all!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So sorry, everyone! I didn't mean to take so long to update but being that my winter vacations are over, I am back to work and back to being busy! :( I won't be able to update as periodically as I used to but I will not abandon this story, I promise! **

**In response to a confused guest- what I changed in the storyline was the fact that the Quarter Quell never involved past victors, but didn't really specify as to the rebellion. Will I include it? I can't say :) Enjoy!**

**Chapter 13**

The cool breeze chills my body and swooshes my hair onto my face and Peeta's chest. I can feel my skirt pirouette over my legs but who cares? We are so high in the sky, who could be watching? I check Peeta and his eyes are closed. Good, because I never want to move from this position.

I close my eyes and feel my hair tickle my nose, my eyes, my lips, my neck and there is something so relaxing about it. It's very quiet except for the soft whistle of the wind in these heights and I can't remember the last time I felt so peaceful.

Here, with my eyes closed, feeling the slight rise and fall of Peeta's chest, hearing his heartbeat, the heat of the morning sun battling with the cool air, I can almost forget where I am. If I try very very hard I can picture myself in the forest, laying just like this with Peeta. I promise myself that I will take Peeta into the forest, my forest, when we get back.

A picture of us appears in my mind... him and I, in the woods, far, far in the woods, where no one could find us. I just want to leave all of this behind. I want to enjoy this peace all the time.

"Katniss?" Peeta calls out to me. I lift my head and look at him to let him know he has my attention. For a few seconds, he doesn't speak. All I see are his eyes, intense and hesitant at the same time. His brows furrow in effort, though what for I don't know. He opens his mouth to speak once but closes it again and I recognize the motions as the same he did back on the train, when Effie interrupted us. The thought of this makes my heart take an unexpected leap. He opens his mouth again, more decidedly than before, but closes it again.

"Peeta?" I ask, or give him encouragement to go on. But he sighs and looks away. I feel a little disappointed because I know when he speaks again he's not saying what he really wanted to say.

"This is nice" he says with a half grin. And I know he is sincere.

"Yeah" is all I say with tentative smile and just rest back on his chest. But this time I don't close my eyes. Peeta's other arm, which he has under his neck for support, catches my eye. I notice the way his muscles rip under his skin as he involuntarily flexes them to keep them in the desired position. I have always known Peeta was strong but I had never noticed how his arm does that. Hmm... I catch myself just before my fingers helplessly touches his bicep. I pray his eyes were closed. Please, let his eyes be closed.

His deep chuckle tells me my prayer wasn't heard.

And for the first time in my entire life, I am truly embarrassed, in front of Peeta.

I want to ignore his acknowledgement of my actions but I don't know if I have a choice anymore. Why did I do that? Really? And why am I so embarrassed by it?

I put on my best, scariest scowl and turn to his self-satisfied face and I feel proud when instantly I wipe away his haughty expression. But even after a minute, I still feel uncomfortable, and his closeness isn't helping. I sit up. My skin is on fire and every inch between Peeta and is an inch I want to triple by a million.

I stand up and start stomping away and almost on cue I hear Peeta's unique step, marked by his prosthetic leg, rushing behind me. He is calling my name but I'm ignoring him. He gets close enough and, to my surprise, grabs my hand.

I turn around ready to snap and yell at him to leave me alone but the look of confusion mixed with guilt kills me. I bite my lip, swallow, and look him up and down.

"Katniss, please, don't go" he pleads me. "Please stay, I'm sorry" he searches my face for any sign of compassion but I make sure he doesn't see what he is doing to me. "Look, this might be our last day of peace and tranquility before we get on this crazy ride. So can we please, just make the best of it?"

I look down because I know how right he is. I walk back to our blanket, sit down and wrap myself around my knees. My head is spinning.

What is going on with me?

Peeta settles beside me and puts a comforting hand around me and I lean unto his body.

Why am I having thoughts of taking him to my most sacred place in the woods, then running from him mad, then back to his arms?

I can't make sense of my own actions. Yet all I am doing is what Haymitch said. I am letting my feelings dictate my actions so the truth can be visible.

But regardless, I need this. I have to have this privacy, this time to gather myself together before tonight, because if I don't, I will be a bigger mess than usual.

So I do my best to forget it all. Peeta and I eat and talk a little, even laugh one time. I am grateful he can make me laugh and still wants to. As the guffaws escape my throat I feel the tension leave my body like steam and floating into the air.

But sooner than I expected Effie comes looking for us.

"Haymitch said you might be here. C'mon! It's time to get ready!" she says with a small clap.

"But Effie, we're not tributes this year. We won't even appear in front of the cameras" Peeta says.

"No, but everyone around you will still smell your stench" she says in her distinctive Capitol accent as she makes a disgusted face. I don't know why, but Effie's ridiculousness made me chuckle quietly, which goes unnoticed by her but Peeta looks at me, smiles, rolls his eyes and gets up. He offers me his hand for help and I accept it even though I don't need it and when we start walking I forget to release it. Only when we are back in the room do I notice.

I casually let go of his hand as I approach our bed to see our clothes neatly laid out. I never expected Cinna to attend to me since he is so busy with the tributes but it still feels a little strange to dress myself. Our clothes aren't too elaborate. I am wearing a simple pretty dress, to continue with the focus that I am some innocent little girl. Peeta has been more fortunate. He ends up wearing a mint colored t-shirt that goes with my dress and a shiny leather jacket over it. The green tint give his eyes a greenish shade that I had never seen before but is very calming to look at. We are soon ready and come down to where all the chariots are waiting. Just before the elevator doors open we hold hands and come out to see the rest of the tributes, standing by their chariots, while the mentors stand in little groups talking.

We approach Azalea and Gerrit as our role as mentors entitle. They are dressed in pitch black suits from head to toe. But it seems too plain for Cinna's talent. I am sure there is a surprise in there somewhere. But even before we reach them, we are intercepted by the Capitol's favorite- Finnick Odair. I have never met him before but I have heard enough of him to know he is coveted by everyone. He won the games when he was just 14 and even then he was making people swoon with his green eyes and bronze hair.

He gives us a conceited look and looks me up and down as he pursues his lips. Peeta's hold tightens just a bit on my hand.

"So, you are the famous star-crossed lovers everyone is raving about. Welcome to the world of the victors" he says as he gives us a welcoming gesture and walks away but not before giving us one last glance and there's almost a bit of pity in there. What could he have meant with his sarcastic comment?

I see the same confusion in Peeta's eyes but don't ask anything. This isn't the right place anyways. Just then Haymitch intercepts us and brings us to meet some other victors, the older ones I see. They are friendly and I try to be polite as these are the people I will be seeing every year from now on but my mind isn't here. Peeta, on the other hand, pulls it off flawlessly and by the end of the conversation everyone loves him. It's a relief I have him to do the talking and the friend-making. I have never been good at that.

Soon it is time to send the tributes on their opening ceremony and I am not disappointed as their suits turn into burning coal. I can tell the crowd is impressed by the unison gasps that spread as their suits catch on fire. I am so glad that Cinna is so amazing at what he does. Perhaps with his help we might even bring back one of them this year. My heart sinks to my stomach at the thought that only one of those kids will be alive in a few weeks and, even then, only to lead a life full of nightmares and terrible memories. I let out a sigh and Peeta takes a look at me. He gives my hand a tight squeeze and it brings me comfort. And I know for the next few weeks I never wish to let that hand go.

The next few days are busy for the tributes. They have training and interviews and fittings, etc... In regards to Peeta and I there isn't too much we got to do. We spend all our free time at the roof and thanking that the new tributes haven't found our secret hideout. And I also admit I am avoiding everyone else. This place has become my little haven and all I want to do is be here, away from it all. And when I am not, it is all I can think about. I have grown more comfortable around Peeta and have seen results to Haymitch's advice. We talk a lot more now and even laugh often. Peeta is always trying to distract me. We talk about home mostly. He tells me stories of his childhood and find that most of them include me somehow. He'll be telling me about the first time he got detention at school in the second grade because he wouldn't pay attention in class and one day the teacher got fed up. When I ask him why he tells me so naturally:

"How could I help myself? I was sitting right behind you" he says with a smile and a casual tone as if there could be no other motive. I can't hold his gaze, not only because of what he revealed but because I realize I don't remember him sitting behind me and I feel guilty that while he was getting detention out of his amorousness with me, I didn't even know he was sitting there.

Another time he tells me that in the playground he got into a fight and came out with a purple eye that was later matched by other bruises administered by his mother for getting into said fight. I ask him what he was fighting about but he can't remember. All he can remember is he had noticed me looking in his direction that day and he had seen it as an opportunity to show off in front of me.

And with every story he tells me I stop becoming so uncomfortable with his openness in regards to his feelings about me. He sees them as normal as the need to drink water or eat. And if he isn't ashamed of them, why am I embarrassed? So I try to adapt his cool manner about them and when he tells me about thefirst girl he kissed I don't get uncomfortable when he tells me he did it because I was walking through the town square as he was there with his first girlfriend and he had hoped the sight would have incited some interest towards him in me. But I walked by them as if they were just any other couple. A few days later he broke up with her because seeing her reminded him of my indifference that day and his eyes become lost far away. I just put my head on his shoulder and he wraps his hands around me and the feeling is so natural now that that night when we have to kiss on camera as they show a short shot of us during the interviews, a smile springs on my face after the kiss and when I see it on the screen I don't recognize the girl there because she is blushing and she looks... I dare not even say it in my thoughts. I won't. So I quickly push my thoughts away to the back of my mind, where I have to admit it's getting pretty crowded and decide I will talk to Haymitch tonight, whether he wants to hear me or not.

**Once again, forgive me for taking so long to update! I am back to working and to being busy :/ so I write twenty minutes here and twenty minutes there and it takes me so long! But thank you for sticking around and please tell me what you thought of this chpaer! :) Love you guys!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hello, everyone! :D thank you so much to all my faithful readers who have stuck around to read my story! You guys are the best and your reviews are so inspiring! I am so glad that this story can bring happiness to you all : )**

**Hey, not-so-confused guest, worry not for I was not in the least bothered by your confusion, I know I've been in your shoes before, that's why I wanted to help you understand better and whenever you feel the slightest bit confused again feel free to question away and that goes for all of you awesome people too. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 14**

"So sweetheart… how about that kiss?" Haymitch winks at me as I walk into the kitchen where he is propped on a chair by the table with an almost empty whiskey bottle.

"What about it?" I snap. I wasn't expecting him to bring this up even though I am glad I didn't have to do it myself. I walk over to the cabinets and start opening them. We have our own little kitchen just for us in our floor which was just added this year for Peeta since now he is a mentor and he loves to bake. I open and shut them but all I find are different sizes of bowls and pots and pans. You'd think they'd have some food here.

"To your right" Haymitch motions with a drunken slap of his hand. I notice a closet in the direction he points so I go there and happily find many types of bread neatly wrapped in plastic. I smile when I see the bag with cheese buns and I grab the whole thing and sit across from Haymitch.

Haymitch raises his eyebrows at me and I know he is still expecting an answer to his earlier question. I refuse to acknowledge I understand him so I spit out "What?"

"The blushing? The stupid smile on your face?" he asks and takes another sip right out of the bottle. "We all know you're not that good of an actress" he makes a pause in which I stuff my mouth with a huge piece of cheese bun to delay having to answer. "Or has all the practice of these months finally paid off?" he asks sarcastically with a quizzical brow. I continue chewing the excess bread in my mouth successfully avoiding an answer because I don't have one. "Or has the romance started to become real to you?" he asks with a nasty smile and I realize just how drunk he is. Just in time I swallow.

"Shut up, Haymitch. You're drunk" I reply.

He erupts in laughter just to prove my point. I don't know why I even came to this drunken fool in the first place.

I stand up to leave and shove the cheese buns in the closet. As I walk by Haymitch he grabs my hand and holds me in place.

"Let me go!" I roar as I try to jerk my hand away.

His eyelids drop slightly as he tries to point his finger at me.

"You love this boy" he says drowsily. "And when I say love, I mean real love". I narrow my eyes at him and jerk my hand away successfully.

"What do you know?" I spit at him.

"I may not know a whole lot about love, sweetheart, but I know two things. You are a horrible actress and you would never pull that look off in a million years. And second, you can't live without that boy and you know it and I know it because I've been seeing it and tonight proved it, you're just too much of a coward to admit it" he laughs in self satisfaction and his words hang in the air. I don't know why but I feel as if he had just punched me in the gut. My jaw tightens and I walk away because he is drunk and he doesn't know what he is talking about.

Even though I know this to be true I can't shake the storm that is in my stomach as I walk away. But I don't have a minute to even attempt to figure it out because the moment I walk in the big hall what I see sends chills through my body. The hairs in the back of my hair stand up as I take in the sight in front of my eyes and the cheese buns threaten to come up. The fear that seizes my every muscle sends opposing messages to my brain. It's telling me to run but I can't move and I know I shouldn't because there is no point in running away from President Snow.

A shaky breath escapes my lips as I struggle to relax my body and not smell the sickening smell of roses mixed in with blood. I don't want him to see he scares me. And I also doubt it would help Peeta who is sitting across from him, fiddling with his hands though his face is successfully emotionless.

"Dear Katniss" he says as he slightly drags out the 's' and it reminds me of a snake. "You are a tough one to get a hold of. Peeta and I have been waiting and no one seemed to know where you or your retired mentor where" he says with a smile.

"We were just in the kitchen" I say pointing behind me.

"Ah, yes, I had them build it by my personal request for you and Peeta. You can't deny that I do strive to make you two as comfortable as possible" he reminds us of his unwanted generosity and his power over us. "And I hope I have succeeded" he says with marked fake kindness.

"Of course, President Snow, and we are forever grateful for it all" Peeta thanks him very politically and I manage a nod.

"Please, do sit, Katniss, let's chat" he says as with his hands he directs me to sit with Peeta. I do as told and take my place by Peeta. He takes my hand.

"So now that you two are so happily married, I can't imagine it will be too long before we get a happy surprise, I hope" he says and smiles.

I am frozen in place because my every fear is about to become a reality and I couldn't open my lips even if I knew what to say. Peeta takes a moment to answer as if to weigh what he will say but he surrenders.

"Of course, we have many surprises in store" he says vaguely but we both know this won't do. It might have given us some time at the wedding because we were in front of so many people but I know President Snow won't let this happen again and he will make us pay for it dearly. I can't believe I spent all this time worrying about such insignificant things when we had much more worse in the horizon.

President Snow holds his smile in place awaiting what he wants to hear but even I know Peeta can't talk us out of this one.

Before I even think the words in my head they are out of my mouth and Peeta squeezes my hand as I promise President Snow we are trying to have a baby. And as soon as they are out there I bite my lower lip with such strength it isn't long before I taste the sour taste in my mouth. Peeta and President Snow keep speaking afterwards but I don't know what they are saying. My head is swirling with a million things and finally President Snow and Peeta shake hands and I manage another nod and as soon as he is out the door I am sprinting for the bathroom.

Peeta is right behind me and holds my hair back as I am sure every piece of food I have eaten today reappears with a splash in the toilet bowl which only makes my stomach constrict even tighter until only clear liquids come out of me but still my abdomen twists in pain as it tries to extract itself out as there can possibly be nothing left.

And as the muscles start to relax agitated sobs begin to furiously shake my body and I am wailing and staining Peeta's shirt with the vomit in my face as he holds me against his chest. His hands are trying to control my body but I am nothing but uncontrollable spasms as my nails dig in his chest and his back and pull at his shirt and skin. Peeta calls out my name in agony, telling me to calm down, that everything is going to be okay, that he promises it but his pleas are drowned by the excruciating whines ripping out of my throat and into the darkness surrounding us, cloaking us from the barbarity we can't escape.

Peeta lets me go and I am clinging to him in desperate implorations until I realize he isn't leaving me but is only turning on the lights. I wrap my arms around my knees and hit my head against the wall as I faintly hear Peeta's supplicating me to believe there is hope but I know there is not. And I always knew this day would come as sure as the day when my child gets reaped and killed.

Peeta comes back to me with a towel with which he wipes my face and I attempt to clean his shirt with the other end unsuccessfully but thankfully he doesn't seem to care and at this moment I know there can't be anyone one better than Peeta in this world. He feeds me water as it drips down my cheeks and neck because I can't conquer my quivering enough to contain all the water in my mouth and he sweetly wipes it away as if I was a little child and I cling to him like such. I cling to him for dear life because his unrealistic assurances are the only ones keeping me together.

He holds me as I cry and scream and muffle my howls into his chest as my tears roll down my face and into his shirt. It is a mixture of every disgusting body fluid that can come out my face and I know only Peeta could sit here and be bathed in them while holding me down and running his fingers through my hair as he makes sweet shushing sounds into my ear.

I don't know how long it takes for me to scream out my lungs and cry out all my tears but I know eventually I am so exhausted I can't do it anymore so I just let Peeta hold me and I can finally start hearing what he is telling me.

And he is being so nurturing that I can't stand to see the sticky cloth cling to his body so I carefully take off his shirt and wipe down his bare chest with the towel to soak up all of my DNA in its various forms from his skin in embarrassment.

He takes my hand and brings back down to my lap. I stare at it as the final shaky breaths come in and out.

"Katniss" he says softly as he lifts my chin up to look at him. I finally look at him and realize while he is holding me together he is just in as much pain as me if not more. His hands cup my face and I take in just how devastated he is as well. His eyes hold the saddest expression as he takes one long look at my face and I know how bad I must look. He licks his lips and tightens his jaw.

"Katniss, I promise I will let no harm come to any child of ours" he says as his own lips quiver. I shake my head because as much as I want to believe him I know that we can't prevent it. "No, Katniss, don't say no" he says as his voice breaks a little but his resolve is intact in his eyes and I have never seen Peeta so sure of anything. "Katniss, I don't care to what lengths I have to go to, I will let no harm come to this child or any others of ours, I promise. I promise on my…" he tries to assure me but I interrupt him.

"Don't promise me that, Peeta, you know you can't stop it no matter how much you want to. They never lose, Peeta. They never lose!" I cry out. He brings me in a hug and I start crying again but I realize he hugged me to whisper in my ear without letting any bugs catch it. He immerses his face in my hair as he starts whispering so low even I can barely hear him.

"I'll train and pay someone to volunteer for him or her, we'll run into the woods like you had suggested, we'll bring down this cursed government if that is what it takes but I swear to you today, Katniss Mellark, that I will let no harm come to this child. And I promise it and I will make it come true. We both will. We have bent them to their knees before, Katniss, when we both survived the Games, we proved they can't own us, not all the way. And we have proved that there are no lengths we won't go to to save our loved ones. And that won't change. If anything, our determination is stronger because we are no longer doing it for us or our families, but we are doing it for our baby. We will play their games with them but when they least expect it, when they are more sure than ever that they got us controlled we will show them, Katniss. We will show them that they may take our freedom of choice and control our lives with threats but they won't touch him or her, that you can be sure of" he finishes and breaks our embrace as he stands up and helps me up.

I don't understand how exactly Peeta plans to pull this off or how he is going to make it happen but if one person I trust and know I can depend on, that's Peeta. And as crazy as everything he said sounds, I believe him. And I know he will, some way or another, keep his promises.

**So? Hate? Like? Love? Let me know, please! :) **


	15. Chapter 15

**Thank you so much everyone who reviewed last chapter! 3 I am so glad you guys enjoyed it and I hope you enjoy this one. Before anything I want to clarify that my story remains a T rated story though for some this chapter may be cutting close so if anyone gets uncomfortable at any point just skip over this. It isn't my intention to get close to the line just for entertainment but it's necessary to include these certain details for characterization otherwise it would get confusing and certain things wouldn't make sense. Well, this author note has gotten too long. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 15**

Peeta helps me up the bathroom floor once I have accepted my future. My head has argued through every possibility and it is inevitable. We will have to go through this. But now I am determined to not let Snow do to my child what he did with me- turn me into entertainment and control my future like a puppet. I don't know what I will do but I will rescue him/her from all of this some way or another. And it's a great relief to know Peeta will be by side supporting me through all this since he is of the same mind.

But as we enter our bedroom I realize I have overlooked a very essential detail in all of this. While I was worrying over the baby's future I forgot this baby still needs to be... well, he is still needs to be made.

I carefully look over at Peeta who is helping me sit on the bed and I wonder if he has given any thought to this. Though we are married the thought seems so wrong. And now the kiss of a few hours earlier comes to mind. That kiss and Haymitch's drunken words replay over in my mind... and then other memories I had forgotten about... like the kiss from the meadow, the kiss from the arena, my desperation when I thought Peeta was hurt and lost in the woods, and even the way I have felt when girls have demonstrated a preference for him. But specially Haymithc's words...

"You are a horrible actress and you would never pull that look off in a million years. And second, you can't live without that boy, and you know it, and I know it because I've been seeing it and tonight proved it, you're just too much of a coward to admit it!"

"You love this boy. And when I say love, I mean real love"

I know he was drunk but then why do I feel this sickening tumbling in my stomach and a certain fear that he could possibly be in some way right?

I couldn't have... I promised I wouldn't! No, I can't allow it and I won't! And to prove it I am going to have this baby and feel nothing different. I will get this stupid sex out of the way and it's going to mean nothing. It's going to mean nothing because it is nothing and will remain nothing!

I look over at Peeta and he is looking at me concerned.

"Are you better?" he asks.

"Yeah" I say coolly. "Well, are we gonna do this or what?" I ask bluntly.

I have caught him by surprise. He is startled and his face becomes red as I feel him tense up beside me and get uncomfortable.

"What? Tonight?" he asks still taken aback.

"Yeah. Well it has to be tonight. Tomorrow the games begin and we will be alternating sleeping schedules all the time to keep watch on our tributes so we won't even be together at all and you heard President's Snow urgency. Besides, what are we gonna put this off for?" I ask and he flinches so very slightly. Wow, I was harsh, I think. I didn't mean it to sound so much like a burden.

"Oh, alright" he says and looks away from me and forward, staring into nothing.

It occurs to me that I don't really know how to go about all this. I never planned to sleep with a boy so I never was interested in the subject. And now I realize I am clueless.

I take a careful sideways look at Peeta and I wonder if he has ever been with a girl. He probably has. I heard girls whisper his name a couple of times and I know he's had girlfriends.

Well, good, if he knows what he's doing this will be over sooner.

I take a deep breath and look at him expectantly.

"Alright, so?"

He turns to look at me and stares coolly into my eyes. My confidence drops a bit and I tense up for no reason at all. I am just nervous because this is all so new for me.

Peeta leans forward and kisses me. This isn't a kiss for the camera so I feel awkward and I feel like I have forgotten all about how to kiss. He pulls away when he sees my lack of reaction and I don't know what he sees in my face but one of his eyebrows furrows slightly as if trying to figure out why I didn't return the kiss.

"Katniss, you need to relax a little bit" he says sympathetically. I huff and look away in annoyance. "If you don't, then it isn't going to happen" he says matter-of-factly.

I scowl at him and grit my teeth. I realize I don't like him telling me what to do.

"I'm sorry, Katniss, but it can't happen otherwise" he states.

It can't happen? What does he mean? He sees my confusion and answers my mental question.

"If you can't relax you won't enjoy it" he says without meeting my eyes. "And if you don't... then it might hurt".

Now this was something I hadn't even considered. So I have to be into it? But I don't want to! I don't want to sleep with, Peeta or anyone, ever, let alone 'enjoy' it!

"Look, Katniss, people have meaningless sex all the time and nothing happens" he says to try to ease my mind but for some reason his last statement bothers me.

"Oh, really? Well, you seem like quite the expert, aren't you?" I ask with more attitude than I mean to use and raise one of my eyebrows.

He gives me a small smile and I am taken aback? He wouldn't mean...

"I have two older brothers, that's all" he says with a small chuckle. "And we all share a room so..." he says and hunches his shoulders in a helpless manner.

I feel relief flood through me. Thank God he isn't the one who went around having 'meaningless sex', as he calls it. I mean, I just don't want to catch something bad. At least, I know that much.

"Oh" I say stupidly. "You're right. Who cares?" I say and tell myself there's no other way to go about this then. Just how? How do I tell myself to enjoy this when the idea makes me so uncomfortable?

"Just shut off your mind" Peeta suggests.

"How?" I ask. I have never shut off my mind. It makes people do stupid stuff like fall in love and get married. If I had ever shut off my mind before I may not have been able to save my family. It's because I always use my mind that I am alive today.

"Just... just focus on what your body feels and don't ask why, just do what feels right" he tells me. It feels dangerous to do that and I don't want to. But if there is no other way it will have to be so, just for tonight, so we can make President Snow happy and he doesn't hurt anyone I love.

At least, for now.

So I close my eyes and try to do as he says. I try to picture disconnecting my brain and as I am doing so I feel Peeta's lips on me.

Don't think.

Just feel.

Just feel.

I kiss him back. His lips feel warm and soft and he brushes them softly on my top lip then my lower and an exhilarating rush runs through my body.

An alarm goes off in my mind and tells me to get up and run. You're feeling too much!

I try ignore it. I need to do this.

Don't think.

Feel.

Just feel.

I feel he is too far. My hands ask for permission to reach for him and even though I want to say no, I say yes, because they want to.

Let your body do what it wants and don't ask why.

Don't ask why.

I give my hands to permission to act without asking and they reach for his neck. They circle it and lock behind it and pull him closer.

The alarm in my mind is growing dangerously loud and urgent so my lips hesitate for a second and pull away but I keep my eyes closed. I can't see Peeta. I don't know why I just know that I can't.

With more strength I push far away the blaring sounds my mind is making in my head.

We are married, this isn't wrong in any way. Except I know it is because... Why? Something to do with Peeta's feelings but my mind is fuzzy and doesn't recall why.

Good, I am not supposed to be thinking.

Just in time I feel Peeta's lips on me again except that they kiss my neck. He drops a kiss here and there and brushes his lips softly as he moves along, covering every inch of my neck and shoulders.

Involuntarily, my mouth opens and takes one quick loud breath. On my skin, I feel Peeta's lips form into a smile and this encourages him because, when he kisses my neck again, I feel his tongue too, and my mind goes off, again. It's telling me to stop, telling me I will regret it, begging me not to do this for my own good but I shove it away further.

'I have to do this, I have no other choice!' I want to yell back. My resolution grows stronger.

Stop thinking.

Feel.

Feel more!

You need to feel if you want to do this, if you want to save your loved ones!

I focus on my body. What is it feeling?

It's feeling Peeta's lips as they rise along my jaw and my neck falls back to allow him more space.

Restlessness takes over me and my body wants to do something, anything. But at the same time it's feeling so good... I don't want to move and stop this feeling.

So very far away I feel as if I am forgetting something. Wasn't I thinking of something important before. It feels like it was urgent but... It's so hard to remember because as much as I try all my attention is grabbed by the rush seething through my veins.

My eyes are still closed when Peeta comes up and begins to kiss my face and even though I think I wasn't supposed to open my eyes, I can't remember why, either. Maybe it wasn't so important.

No, it must not have been because otherwise I am sure I would not have forgotten. Besides, my eyes scream that they want to look at who is giving me such foreign yet so thrilling feelings at the same time.

I open my eyes just as Peeta kisses the tip of my nose and I look into a boy's eyes who I have never seen before. They carry such an expression of wildness and something else I can't put a name on. They seem so focused and almost possessed by... desire, that's it!

And I don't why the sight of this sets my skin on fire and my eyes lower to examine his torso.

He's shirtless still from before and I notice where each muscle ends and meets a new one and I recall wanting to trace those lines before with my fingers.

My hands caress his shoulders as they slide down to his arms and they feel bumps of his muscles. I hadn't realized how bad I had wanted to feel them before as I do now. They feel strong and hard under my palms and I squeeze them and I don't want to let them go but then his stomach catches my eye, too. It is lean as well and my hands fall down his chest and feels his abdomen. It is so exciting to discover all these things from Peeta's body and my hands want to be everywhere all at once.

I look over at Peeta's face again and notice how labored he is breathing and how close his face is to mine.

And once again, I tell my body to do as it pleases. Whatever feels right.

My lips crush his and his hands start to wander towards my body as well and it wants to flinch away but I kiss him harder to make myself forget that I am scared of him doing so.

And when his hands grab at my waist with strength I let out a small laugh because they feel so right where they are that I can't imagine why I was ever afraid before. His hands seem to fit perfectly around my waist and they slide just a bit to feel my waist under the clothes.

Where he touches, I catch fire. But this fire feels unbelievably satisfying and it makes me wonder how I ever lived without it before.

I want to feel more of it, everywhere.

I look at Peeta as we kiss and wow, he is so very... attractive.

And now I know what the other girls meant when they said 'irresistible'.

Because I can't resist the want for more.

I feel a heat spread through my body and my heart beats so fast I can hear it. Or is that his?

And I want more. I want more Peeta.

This want feels vaguely familiar and an image of us in the cave pops in my head then another of us kissing in the meadows and it all makes sense.

I need Peeta and I want him too.

This feeling is so intoxicating and so addicting that I struggle to keep up with the demand.

So any remains of resistance from my mind vanishes because even my mind has succumbed to this spell Peeta has cast on me.

My hands travel to his back and try to attach to his skin, so they never let go, never let him go far from me again.

I pull his body close to me until there isn't an inch between us but it doesn't feel close enough yet.

I realize my nails have dug into his back as I hear a low grunt come out of his lips and I pant a needy 'sorry' and I have never heard my voice sound that way.

But then again I have never heard Peeta sound so seductive as he does when smiles and tells me 'it's okay' and lays me down on the bed.

**Oh people please tell me what you think! **

**Review, pretty please! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hi everyone! Can I say I am out of words to express my gratitude for last chapter's response? Because I am! Speechless! There is nothing that makes me happier about writing than to know that it is making someone else in the world happy and entertaining them. I picture your smiles and it fuels me to write even if it means losing my hours of sleep. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 16**

Black hair.

I see black hair… shiny black hair.

It is flowing in the air, coming out of a loose braid.

She is running through the woods… this little girl.

Is it me?

I can't see her face. All I can see is her skinny little body and her braid flowing behind her.

But she is paler than I am, though not much.

Her feet stumble as she makes her way through the thick woods. These woods are nothing like home. They are greener and full of hanging vines, and roots everywhere.

She runs fast and I am proud of her.

She is running very fast…

Oh no! She is being chased by dogs!

They are catching up to her and they are… could they?

They are forming into mutts!

Run, little girl! Run little pale Katniss!

I try to reach out to her to help her but I am nothing but an observer even though I can see them very close by.

Why can't I help her? I want to help her so badly! NO! Don't get her! She's just a little girl! She can't outrun them!

I reach out to her but there is a glass between us as she moves forward as fast as her legs can take her.

I punch and kick at the glass to get to her, to defend her from the mutts, to save her if I can, but the glass won't budge.

I am so desperate to save her I could sacrifice my life for her and this surprises me. Who is this little girl I want to save so bad that I have forgotten about Prim?

I yell out to her but she can't hear me and just as the mutts reach her and she collapses to the ground I fall back in resignation. When I am far enough I can see I was watching everything from a… TV screen?

Is this the Hunger Games? They couldn't be! She is too young!

I watch as she crawls and struggles to get away but they are eating at her feet. I hear her little cries as she gives up and turns on her back.

I see her face transformed in pain as she sobs in pain.

But then she opens her eyes.

Her blue eyes!

Peeta's blue eyes!

What? This makes no sense!

She looks straight at me as she cries.

"Mommy! Don't let them eat me, mommy! Mommy, help me! Oh, it hurts me so much! Why are you letting them hurt me, mommy? Why? Don't you love me? Why didn't you save me? …Why didn't you save me, mommy?" she cries out between sobs as tears run down her face and mine.

Her eyes close and I am now beside her.

How did I get here?

I hold her cold little hand, even paler now than before and her voice still rings in my ear as she begs me to save her, as I watched helplessly as my baby girl was killed.

I wake in sobs and my arms search desperately for Peeta as they always do now when I have nightmares but they find nothing.

I look and search but my bed is empty. Where is Peeta?

I need for him to tell me that it's ok, that was only a bad dream. Except I know even Peeta can't make this nightmare go away. Because I know it could very well become a reality soon.

And so I wrap myself in the covers and sit against the wall as I try to regain composure and, after a while, I do.

I get dressed and come out to the dining room.

When I get there, I find only one chair is occupied. I realize it is past ten in the morning so everyone would have been out of bed and fulfilling their duties by now. Except for Haymitch.

He gives me one raised eyebrow as he dips his bread into his mug.

"Good morning, sunshine" he tells me with an expression that shows worry and caution at the same time.

I take a seat with a safe distance between us and ask the server for some hot chocolate and biscuits.

He serves me and I start eating away even though without much appetite. I can still see the bloody dead girl from my nightmare.

Haymitch eyes me curiously. I want to ask him where everyone is but it looks like he is going to tell me, anyways.

"So, you aren't going to ask me about the whereabouts of your sweetheart?" he asks me as he puts some bread in his mouth and leans back in his chair to look at me, expectantly.

I shrug to try to seem uninterested. He can tell me if he wants.

"He's already getting his hands busy at the observation room. I went and took him earlier before the Games began to show him the ropes and what to do. You're going to replace him at eight tonight. Sorry sweetheart, you got the nightshift" he tells me.

So that's where he was this morning.

"Quite a surprise the two of you gave me when I walked in your room this morning" he says casually and I almost choke on my hot chocolate. I go into a coughing fit as the Avox girl comes to pat my back.

He did what this morning?

He looks at me suspiciously trying to decide if I am faking or not but as soon as I control the cough I find my words.

"You walked into my room without being let in?!" I growl at him as I stand up in my chair.

"Yes, I did, as no one was answering and Peeta's room was empty and there was a Hunger Games about to start without a mentor for the District 12 tributes. Yes I did walk into your room and I am glad I did. Just when exactly were either of you gonna tell me you were sleeping together?!" he snaps at me. I feel like telling him we have been sleeping together for a long time but I know he is not referring to actual sleep. He must have found us without clothes as we fell asleep that way last night. My face turns red as the memories flash back. Before I can say anything he goes on. "What the hell were you thinking?! That boy has feelings for you, you know!" he spits at me as points a finger to me. He is standing up as well now too. "Do you have any idea what you can be doing to that poor boy!? Huh? Do you, Katniss? DO YOU!?" he screams at me.

I can tell now that Peeta didn't explain anything to him. I know I had no choice. I had to do it for my family. I had to keep them safe. But, even knowing this, Haymitch's words make me feel worthless. As if I had played with his feelings. I grit my teeth as I summon the courage to tell him what I am so afraid to say. I am afraid because Snow's threats are so fresh in my mind and, remembering that, if we don't give them a baby they will hurt my mom and Prim and Peeta's family, tugs at me emotions.

I think he can see my struggle because his face softens and then becomes terrified.

"No" he simply says but I can barely nod. "Katniss?" he turns his head sideways. He walks over to me and grabs my shoulders and shakes me. "Katniss?!"

I shake out of his hold and push him away.

"Yes!" I finally find my words. "Yes, he did. It is exactly what you think it is".

He breathes out heavily and brings his hands to his forehead and they drag down his wrinkled face.

"I don't know why I am surprised" he says as he leans against the table and looks down. He lifts his gaze to meet my face that is as emotionless as I can muster. "When exactly did this happen and why am I now finding out?" he asks trying to contain his anger.

"Last night" I state. "He came and told us. You knew this was going to happen, Haymitch" I say remembering how he told us in the Victory Tour that for the rest of our lives the Capitol would control us and make us get married and have children. We all knew this from the beginning. I had just tried to forget it until I had to face it.

He shakes his head. "Not this soon" he says and he looks genuinely sorry.

I am done feeling sorry for myself. My head is full of thoughts of that little girl in my dreams and how I am going to make sure this particular dream never comes true.

"When can I know if it worked?" I ask Haymitch.

He shuts his eyes again as if fighting a strong headache and I don't doubt he is. He rubs his temples and finally looks up again. He throws his hands in the air.

"What do I know? Go to the lab, I guess, and ask them what you can do" he suggests as he goes back to his chair and slumps on it. He drops his head on the table and lets out a loud sigh.

I wait a few seconds and leave.

I take the elevator all the way down to the labs. I am determined to find out what I can.

As the elevator doors open, it occurs to me I don't know what I am going to do or ask.

I see lab coats walking back and forth behind large glass walls. Some are also sitting and some are handling machinery.

I see a girl sitting at a desk right by the wall with a small hole in the glass.

I walk over to her and she looks up at me.

"How can I know if I am pregnant?" I ask bluntly and I can tell I have taken her by surprise.

She looks at me curiously and it dawns on me I must look very grave for a woman who is inquiring about pregnancy.

I laugh nervously to look like I'm happily hoping for a baby.

Truly I am hoping for a one, just not happily.

"Ah, yes. Um, when do you think you might have conceived?" she asks me.

I want to ask her why she needs to know this because being that Peeta and I are a married couple I don't know what I am supposed to say.

"Uh… I stopped taking my birth control a couple of days ago" I say hoping this is the right thing to say.

"Alright, well, in any case, it is too soon for your body to tell if you have conceived or not. To know for sure I would say come check in a week" she smiles.

A week? I have to go another week without knowing if my family will be safe or not?

"Isn't there a faster way of knowing?" I beg sweetly, trying to pull off the teenager-hoping-to-be-pregnant look.

"I am afraid not. Your body doesn't give us anything until then, you will just test negative" she says. "You can always keep trying in the meantime, just in case" she suggests.

I think not.

I thank her and walk back to the elevator and back to my room where I try to get some sleep to be awake tonight to watch for our tributes.

But I cannot conquer the thoughts in my mind to leave me. Just when I think I am going to fall asleep the little girl from my dream comes to my mind and I wake. She wanders through my mind and I spend the rest of the way in this struggle.

At around seven Haymitch comes to get me.

He takes me to the observation room as he asks me what I found out and I tell him.

I can't believe I have seven more days ahead of me, wondering if this little girl is real yet or not, wondering if I have saved Prim and my mother and Gale and Peeta's family, wondering if we will have to do this again, how will I do it?

Haymitch's words from this morning come back to mind and for the first time today I give some thought to Peeta. What has he been like?

Haymitch leaves me at the door and walks away. I stand there for a few minutes, trying to figure out how to face Peeta.

Images of last night come back to me. I hear myself calling his name, scratching his back, holding him close, sweetly kissing him afterwards, falling asleep on his naked body... I remember his eyes, the way they looked last night, his heavy breathing on my neck, the smile that remained on his lips long after he had fallen asleep.

What has this done to Peeta? What will I find on the other side of this door?

I summon the courage and open the door. He looks back at me as he turns around on his chair.

"Hey" he says with a half-smile.

I say nothing and he just turns around eventually, looking at the various screens ahead of him. To one side, I see Azalea from different angles as she walks through a vast forest uphill. To the other side, I see Gerrit skinning a strange creature. Then in the middle there is a screen with names and numbers I don't understand. I look at the clock and see it isn't too far from eight and Peeta must go get some sleep. I walk over to him.

"So what do I do?" I ask looking at the various screens.

"Uh, there isn't much to do" he says as he scratches the back of his head. "They don't have many sponsors or much money, barely any, so it's not like we can be of much help right now, unless they do something to catch the Capitol's eyes" he explains to me and I remember what our strategy to stay alive cost us when we were in the Games. "Azalea ran as soon as the sixty seconds were out, didn't grab a thing. But Gerrit fought and killed District 8's boy tribute and took a backpack and a sack with some supplies in it and ran. He ran into Azalea later that day and threw the sack at her. She grabbed it and ran. She seemed surprised to see him do that but he just took off in the other direction before she could do or say anything. When she opened it, she found an empty bottle and a little bread, together with some rope. Gerrit's pack had more supplies than that. There was a very small knife that you see him using now on that… thing, whatever it is. And he's got an empty bottle too and some crackers along with a sleeping bag. Apart from that, nothing else has happened. Careers are the usual Districts, of course." He thinks very hard as he tells me all the dead tributes he can remember. District 11, 6, 8, and 3 are gone altogether. District 5 girl, both from 7, the boy from 9 and the girl from 10 and the Careers are all alive.

I just nod at all of this and try to forget we are talking about real children who have died today. He tells me about the arena. It is a forest, much like the kind we saw in District 11 as we were entering it. But almost half is random open plains here and there. He hasn't seen any streams yet or lakes, and that's all he knows so far.

Neither one of us talks as we look at the screens.

He finally turns to me and asks me what I know he was hoping I'd say on my own.

"Did you find out anything?" he asks.

I shake my head without meeting his eyes but I don't need to look at him to see the hope in his eyes.

"Seven days" I reply and after a minute I say the one thing I don't want to but I know I have to. For our loved ones, I have to put myself aside and say it. "We can keep trying in the meantime, it's what she said" I say looking at the floor and swallow hard.

Peeta just shakes his head.

"We'll wait" he says and I hope he can't tell how relieved and guilty I feel. My stomach is turning as my body is in conflict with its emotions because I can't decide what this pang in my gut is.

Peeta stands to leave and I resist reaching out to him, to beg him to stay with me, so I don't have to be alone in this room, with all these screens and my thoughts.

And just before he walks out he turns around and looks at me. I feel a wave of relief as he turns around and comes back to me with hesitant steps.

"If… If you want any help I can…"

"Stay" I blurt out. "For a little bit" I add.

He gives me a soft smile and nods.

He sits down and scoots to the side as much as he can but barely enough for me to fit and opens his arms.

I sit by him and lay my head on his chest as he starts talking away about all the different names and numbers on the screen and what they mean but I don't pay attention. I just listen to the soothing sound of his voice as I drift into sleep.

**Please, leave me a little thought from you! So highly appreciated!**


	17. Chapter 17

**You guys, you make me feel so guilty! :( Your reviews are so positive and beautiful and full of helpful comments that when it takes me long to update I feel so terrible! I have been so terribly busy to the point that I am barely getting any sleep lately but you guys never leave my mind and I just have to take some time to write. I am so sorry it took me so long to update :( I hope this chapter is of your liking. This is where it really takes off and I hope it comes out good enough. Do tell me honestly what you think at the end, thanks!**

**Chapter 17**

"Katniss! Katniss! Katniss!" I hear vaguely but I am so tired and sleepy I don't want to get up. I feel someone's arms shaking me vigorously and I groan in protest. I just fell asleep after my third nightmare today. But the voice is urgent and persistent. "Katniss!" Peeta keeps calling out to me and shaking me.

Finally I open my eyes out of annoyance. I turn over to face him and his expression makes me forget the insults I was going to direct at him. He looks frightened, or better said, terrorized.

Then something hits me... If he's here... Then who is watching our tributes?

Alarm shakes me awake and I sit up.

"Peeta, what's wrong? What are you doing here?" I ask dreading his answer. He's being here can't be a signal of anything good.

"Katniss, we gotta go!" he tells me. "There is no time to lose! Hurry!" he rushes me and quickly walks over to our closet, grabs a backpack and starts shoving clothes in it.

"Peeta, what's going on?" I ask, desperation and panic tingling in my voice. My head is swirling with possibilities why we would need to leave so quick but none make any sense.

"I'm sorry, Katniss" he tells me compassionately "but there isn't any time to explain" he says and takes my hand and pulls me out the door.

I remember how likely it is this whole building is bugged and I become even more petrified. Do they know we are running right this instant? Are Peacekeepers on their way to come and arrest us? What happened to Azalea and Gerrit? But, more importantly, what are we running from and why?

President Snow. I don't need to ask Peeta to know he has to be the reason we are escaping. But what did we do this time? My last nightmare flashes in my mind again and I see President Snow, blood dripping from his evil grin as he stands over my dead baby surrounded by blood-stained white roses.

Peeta rushes me out of the building now and I look behind me to look for Peacekeepers chasing us but I can't see any.

And where are Haymitch and Effie and Cinna? Are they in danger too by extension?

My lungs battle for oxygen as they try to keep up with the demand my body is making. Are we running the whole way?

People turn and stare as we sprint down the crowded streets of the Capitol. We are making such a scene that if the Peacekeepers were trying to find us they would have no problem.

My heart races in my chest but I just run right behind Peeta. I just hold his hand and follow him. I don't know why but I realize I trust Peeta so completely that I don't doubt that I will thank him for this.

I understand there is no time to explain now and that's all I need to know.

I run.

And I run.

And I run.

Peeta turns here and there and I have no clue where we are. All these streets are beginning to look the same to me. How does Peeta even know where we are right now?

The muscles in my thighs feel like they are beginning to rip and snap like over-stretched rubber and my chest can't contain the wild beating of my struggling heart.

I feel my knees slowly giving in. I turn and I look and I feel like there will be a Peacekeeper in every corner.

Last time I remember running like this was only a few weeks ago and I remember the desperation I felt as I rummaged the woods for Peeta, when I thought he had gotten lost.

And as my body gives up, I realize that, whether I like it or not, regardless of my incessant efforts to avoid it, Peeta has become vital for my existence, and the day he is ripped away from me, my heart is going to break past the point of remedy and there is nothing I can do to stop it anymore.

I brace for the terror that is sure to invade me as this awakening soaks my being but it doesn't come. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am immersed in a strange unsettling peace. I am not weak but I am stronger.

How can depending on someone so much give you such security and happiness as I feel right now, even now as I am running for my life?

But this is no time to figure out this new revelation.

New blood rushes through my veins and I hold on to him harder and run stronger and my muscles are revitalized.

And it doesn't seem like such a long time when we reach a lonely street and Peeta bursts in through a door and through the house, all the way to the backyard. Here we find Haymitch standing by a light blue lady, with tattoos covering her neck and the side of her face to shape her complexion like a heart, dressed in elaborate clothes and strange accessories of blue and gold.

At the sight of us Haymitch motions us to follow him and without another word he is off through a door and down a corridor and through another door and many others until we come out into a smoky and filthy area.

We jump up on a platform of some kind and close a door behind us. We haven't got much space in this closed area. There seems to be grease and machinery and boxes all around us.

Peeta delicately leads me to the least filthy spot and before I can stop him lays down his jacket on the floor for me to sit. I do as told but when he tries to let go of my hand I hold it tight so he gives me a puzzled look but says nothing. I scoot over to make some space for him and he takes it. Haymitch raises one eyebrow at me but doesn't comment on it.

As soon as he is besides me I let go of his hand. His confusion unsettles me and I wish I hadn't done that just now.

But I can't think about that now.

"What are we doing in a closed space full of machinery in the middle of the Hunger Games we are supposed to be mentoring?" I ask in utter bewilderment.

My head is dizzy with all the questions that are bombarding me. My first question is answered before Haymitch and Peeta can by the distinct whistle of the train we are on.

"We're on a train?" I ask in puzzlement as I feel the ground I thought I was sitting on start moving.

"On the tessarae train, to be more precise" Haymitch clarifies as he pursues his lips.

This doesn't help at all to ease my mind.

"And why are we hiding here? Why aren't we mentoring right now? Are we fugitives? What did we do now? What about my family? Are they ok?" I fire at both of them with only a few of the questions I have.

Neither one of them answers. What's happened? I freeze in standby. I immediately think the worst and I feel the walls of my heart tumbling down.

They shake their heads. What does that mean?

"We don't know" Haymitch answers.

"Why are we here?! What are we doing here?!" I beg for an answer, any answer. I feel my eyes start to sting as I think of Prim and my mother and Gale. If we are fugitives, what might they do to them to get information on us?

"Katniss, we don't know anything of our families. But right now we don't even know what is going to happen to us, let alone to them" Peeta tries to explain in calmly manner but it isn't calming me.

"No!" I cry out. "Prim! We have to go for them! We have to! We can't leave them. They'll kill them, Haymitch! They'll kill them all because of us!"

"Katniss, calm down for a minute..." Haymitch begins but I interrupt.

"Well, I can't! I was shaken out of bed this morning to be rushed across the Capitol without an explanation and shoved into a train only to be told my family is in danger and we know nothing of them! How do you expect me to calm down!?" I yell as I feel my face turning red from a combination of fear and helplessness.

"Well, you're gonna have to, sweetheart! Cuz we are on a moving train that we have no control of and we can't get off of so there isn't anything any one of us can do right now! So, if you want, you can relax so we can attempt to explain to you what has happened and figure out what we are going to do!" Haymitch yells at me and reality hits me.

He is right.

I am completely useless. I am locked in train where I am hiding and my family could be being slaughtered this very instant and all I can do is sit here. A shaky breath combined with a whimper escapes my throat and I am frozen, unable to accept it all.

So I sit, motionless, holding my knees against my chest as I bite my lip furiously and stare off into the floor in front of me as Peeta and Haymitch take turns explaining to me the events of the last hours.

Azalea and Gerrit are dead. They killed each other in the arena today. At first, this makes no sense as I recall the strong shake and nod of understanding between them on reaping day. But as they continue explaining all the pieces come together.

As, Peeta explains the story, today at around 3 in the afternoon, he noticed they started walking towards each other, though he doesn't understand how they knew where each other were. And around 5 they met. When they saw each other they stopped short. Seconds ticked by as they stared into each other's eyes, motionless. Peeta stared, mouth gaping open, awaiting a movement of some sort. But then he noticed that this wasn't the usual stare down between tributes, where they are both observing what the other's next move will be, to counterattack. It wasn't a look like the ones Peeta and I shared in the Arena, either. He compares it to a look of understanding and I remember seeing it before between them, just briefly on very rare occassions.

Could it be...?

Peeta goes on to tell us that Azalea then gets red-eyed to much of his surprise. Gerrit just tightens his jaw and raises his nose to the sky, then slowly brings it down to complete a resolute nod. Just then you can hear the sound of eagles... dozens and dozens of them, but he can't see them yet. By the sound of them, they are quickly approaching and he guesses they are no normal eagles. Their call sounds freakishly deformed to sound even more monstrous.

But then again, nothing in the arena is ever normal.

This sends determination into Azalea's expression rather than fear or surprise. And without another second's thought she pulls out a knife and sends it flying into Gerrit's chest with impressive aim. It lands just above his heart though and doesn't kill him. Gerrit shows no disappointment, no sadness, no feeling of treason or betrayal. He barely stands as he starts walking towards Azalea. She doesn't make a move but bites her lip as her eyes get red again as she watches Gerrit struggle to get to her. He's made it about a third of the way when she summons the valor to pull out another knife that goes in his leg, and he collapses to the ground with a loud painful groan and a thump. He knees on the ground struggling to breath, his chest rocking back and forth trying to get air into his surrendering lungs.

Just then Azalea takes off towards him and Peeta thinks she is willing to finish the job once and for all. Just then she takes out the knife in his leg. Peeta thinks she'll use it to keep stabbing him.

But he is confused. Why hasn't Gerrit defended himself? Why has he allowed her to kill him when she obviously was having doubts and remorse the whole time and he is much stronger? Why did he not even flinch when she sent the first knife though he could have easily avoided it? And if Azalea is so knowledgeable about knifes, more than she ever let on, why didn't she pull out the one closest to his heart so he could bleed to death faster?

As if it could get any more disconcerting, Azalea hands the bloody knife to Gerrit, who takes it and for the first time, shows a sign of emotion- comradeship. And just then, as it unravels before his eyes, it all makes sense to Peeta.

As blood drips down Gerrit's lips and neck, he struggles to speak, but when he does, his voice is strong and clear and loud. He looks up into the sky, as Azalea helps him stay upright and yells something that sends goose bumps all over Peeta's body.

"You can kill our children! You can kill our leader's children calling it chance and tessarae numbers! But you cannot control a nation! And you cannot make this fire die out!" and he turns around to Azalea as he starts stabbing her.

She moans out in horrifying howls but she manages to scream out.

"Country of Panem! Look at your Capitol and what they do to you! If we can play by our own rules so can you! Fight them and burn them to a crisp! The fire has already caught, you just need to fuel it!" and then she pulls out the second knife out of Gerrit's chest and with her last bit of strength she waits for Gerrit to speak for one last time as the knife flies into his heart.

"AVENGE US!" Gerrit growls with his last will as he ends Azalea's torture by targeting her heart and they both take one last shallow breath and collapse, lifeless in the grass, mouths gaping open and eyes staring into the sky, as if awaiting to be taken back.

But Peeta doesn't wait to watch. He runs out of there as quick as lightning and runs into Haymitch just down the hall.

"We have to get out of here, he whispers in alarm to Haymitch who understands instantly and gives him directions of where to run to once he gets me.

Terror has completely taken control of me and I am crying "No!" over and over again.

"My family! We must get them! We have to! We can't leave them! They'll kill them!" I scream at both of them, trying to appeal to their humanity.

"And if we go to them, then we will all die! Don't you think that's the first place they will look, Katniss?" Haymitch asks me brutally.

"I can't just hide away like a coward and leave my family to their mercy!" I cry.

"And if you go to them, they will die for sure" Haymitch says more calmly and sighs. "Look, that's all they have against you right now. And it is their only hope of getting to you. If they kill them then they won't have a way to find you, nothing to keep you from fighting" he states.

"Keep me from fighting? What do you mean?" I ask perplexed.

"Weren't you listening, Katniss? Fire has caught and there is no stopping it" Haymitch replies.

"So you mean...?" I ask but he answers before I can finish articulating my question.

"Yes, I do mean. Azalea's and Gerrit's grandfathers were strong leaders in District Twelve during the first rebellion that started the Hunger Games. They weren't chosen on tessarae. Gerrit could have been, maybe, were that the true way the tributes were chosen but Azalea? Never. She was a town girl, she had never taken out tessarae in her life, I guarantee it" he says completely sure of himself and Peeta nods. He would know. It was rare when a kid from town took out tessarae. "They were arranged to be picked out, based on the circumstances..."

"What circumstances?" I interrupt.

"Will you let me finish? I'll get to that, one thing at a time. Now, don't you remember reaping day? Did you see shock on any of these kids' faces? No. Despair, perhaps, but no shock. Most thought it was because of their amount of tessarae they would have known they had high chances. But that wasn't the case. Azalea started crying because, even though she knew these reapings were most probably arranged, she held some hope it would be actually based on tessarae and she would be spared. Gerrit, on the other hand, knew that, from the very beginning, he was to fight in these Hunger Games. That's why he walked proud and resigned to the stage. And once Azalea realized her fate, she regained peace and was able to share that look of understanding with Gerrit. They had prepared for this. That's how they knew how to pull that off that genius stunt today" he admits.

"So why were they hostile towards us?" I ask.

"To keep anyone from guessing anything. And also because they held contempt against you for going along with the Capitol's charade when you should have been standing up for your people. That's what they thought" he explains.

"How do you know all this?" Peeta asks.

"The rebellion has been forming since your game last year. They have been organizing but they have been more careful. The Capitol knows it's there but they don't know who has been leading it. So they took their more likely suspects' children and sent them to die, to hopefully get them to get intimidated and stop. District 12 has little to no one taking part in it. Only me and a couple more men. But we haven't been discovered. So they took Azalea and Gerrit because of their grandparents, thinking if anyone would be in it, it would be their families. And they were damn right. But they knew that was coming before they even made the announcement for Quarter Quell. So Azalea and Gerrit and a couple more kids in risk planned out what they would do in the arena if they got chosen. They decided they would die on their own terms. And by killing each other they could plan it out perfectly. So they slowly killed each other while accusing the Capitol and encouraging the country to avenge them, them and the hundreds of children this government has taken away. They were hoping that by saying these carefully planned out short speeches while murdering each other, the Capitol would have no choice but to play it or otherwise they would have no way to excuse their disappearance from the games. It was the best they could do but it wasn't good enough. The Capitol would never play that in a million years. They'd figure out a way to stage it somehow. Their last attempt at it was to send the eagle mutts to kill them once they saw they were planning something when they met. But the eagles didn't get there fast enough. Therefore, I had planted a recording device on your observation room on the day I trained Peeta to catch this when it happened and I went to get it once Peeta warned me something bad had happened..."

"So you knew all of this all along and didn't tell us anything?!" I interrupt Haymitch, not able to hold back anymore.

"Look, sweetheart, you better quit interrupting me! I was doing all of this to protect the plan! You really think you could have handled this when you and Peeta couldn't even handle your own personal issues?!" he replies angrily.

My mouth falls open.

"So it was better to keep me in the dark? So my family could be killed without a warning?" I accuse.

"You better watch that pretty little mouth, because you don't even know anything yet, so you better stop accusing people who all they have done is try to keep you alive! You may be mentors now but you don't know a thing about it! And here I am still saving the both of you while a nation is preparing for war and you two can't even see it happen around you because you have your heads too wrapped up in your little drama. Now the two of you need to cut it out! It's no time to act like kids! Figure out your issues and get on with it so we can try to rescue your lives and your families!" he says directing himself at both of us.

I am embarrassed and insulted.

"Maybe if you had told us what was going on...!" I begin but Haymitch cuts me off with force.

"I did what was best for you so you better shut up and be grateful, little girl! Your family and you are going to be ok, thanks to me! So you better stop questioning my judgment and get on with it because so far, it's been right!"he says and takes one deep breath and sighs loudly. He massages his temples to alleviate the headache he always has due to his drinking and now due to the screaming, as well. "Now, we are gonna go to the Resistance headquarters to give them the recording and I will make sure they get to your families and bring them to safety. But for now, all we can do is sit and wait till we get off this train and by the time we do, I expect you two will have figured this out because we will need your heads focused from now on, you hear me?" he asks and looks between us two. Peeta stares at the ground in embarrassment and I look right back at Haymitch with all the pride I can muster. And then he wobbly jumps over some boxes and some machinery and disappears behind them, probably trying to get away from the noise and from us.

Guilt invades me as I realize he was right. Peeta and I have been acting like kids and we haven't noticed what's been going on right in front of our noses. And Haymitch was right to do everything he did. And I was just rude and ungrateful when I owe him my life once more.

I decide this is going to end.

Peeta and I will work this out and move on so we can be of help.

But now I have no clue how to do it.

Haymitch's words hang in the air and the tension between us, now on our own, is palpable.

But I know there is no avoiding the conversation we are about to have anymore.

**Do tell me what you think please! :) This took sooo much work and I would love to know your thoughts on it!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

The soft sound of the light rain falling around us is barely hearable over the loud sound of the tessarae train. This is like no train I had ever been in before. Of course, every other time I had been in the best of the best, where servants tended to us and we were treated to whatever we desired. I have never needed those comforts to be happy but it is impossible not to contrast it to our current conditions.

I am sitting in the cold floor, surrounded by filth, amounted on every inch of the surrounding surfaces to the point that it is impossible to tell what the original color was. I inch my neck to look out of a small opening that lets me take a small peek outside and I remember how every time I have found myself in a train, looking out into the passing trees, I have wanted to flee to them for comfort and security. Except for today.

Today, I look at them with longing but no desire to go to them anymore. They can't provide me with the security I desire, nor can they promise it to my family.

Prim. Mother.

What are they doing right this moment?

Are they treating someone from the Seam, sick and dying? Or are they having a quiet dinner at the house? Are they being taken away by Peacekeepers?

I can't think about it. The images are too difficult to bear.

I see a flock of mockingjays as we speed by them, fluttering and gliding playfully. How I wish I could fly away like them, fly as fast as I could to my family.

Instead, I am trapped in this train, my only refuge and my only way of getting to them, as torturing and slow as it may be.

And with all the stops they must make at every District, it only makes the wait longer, our chances less on our favor.

So here I am.

Katniss Everdeen.

I fought in the Hunger Games.

I survived.

I got married.

I may or may not be pregnant.

I am a fugitive.

I may never see my family again.

Little drops of rain drizzle as I lay lazily on the filthy floor, no longer caring if I start looking like a miner, covered in black.

My cheek presses against the hard surface as it feels its roughness and irritates at the contact.

My mind forces on me even more worries, as it reminds me I am on my way to wherever it is the rebels are- the rebels of a rebellion against the Capitol- and Haymitch is one of them. And so are Peeta and I by extension.

Peeta.

How is it that no matter what, he is always entangled in my problems? From the day we were twelve outside his parents' bakery to today's date, Peeta has done nothing but try to make things better, even if it means his own downfall.

To this day, I can never shake the connection between this boy, Peeta Mellark, the bread that gave me hope, and the dandelion that reminded me that I was not doomed.

I slowly move my head away from the outside and look in. And there he is, sitting against the hard metal wall, both knees supporting his elbows, head tilted and eyes lost in the distance. His eyebrows are hardly pushing themselves together, his forehead turned into many little bumps. His mouth is slightly open and turned downwards. His expression reminds me of the cave, when his thigh was infected and he wore a constant painful frown on his face, even in his sleep. And today, he has that same pained look.

He finally notices I am looking at him and catches my eye.

I wait for him to say something first, as he always does, but he doesn't. After a few seconds his gaze drops to the floor and away one more time.

Dark circles around his eyes transform his usually childish looking face to someone who is older, who has seen and known more than his young eyes should have. And it doesn't help that for the last six days, he has barely slept as he would monitor the observation room his regular shift and even stay with me during mine for the most part. Or the fact that neither one of us has stopped thinking about what we were meant to find out tomorrow.

He looks at me once again and hesitates before he speaks.

Almost as if reading my mind he asks: "I suppose you couldn't find out if… if you…" he struggles to say the right words.

I just shake my head, knowing what he is trying to ask.

"It doesn't matter anymore, I suppose" he says and looks away, "Unless you are. Then it matters, a lot" he breathes out.

"I suppose we will find out in a couple of weeks anyway" I state, blankly.

He just nods.

After a few minutes he adds: "So if you are, what then?" he asks and I don't know how to answer. What then? That question only begins to describe the enigmas that we must solve, if, in fact, I am.

I finally shrug, unable to give him an answer of any kind.

This marriage was always a sham. But if there is a life in between, what will that signify?

All I know is, if I am, one way or another, we will be tied forever.

But this new revelation shines no new light. I had already accepted long ago that the Capitol would make sure we never were apart. But now, the Capitol may soon be no more. Then what? Do we part ways and lead our own separate lives as if we had never gone through our lives' most impacting moments together? Do we remain unlikely friends, always connected by the experiences no one else in the world could probably understand but each other? If we have a child together… do we not have a choice?

There is something inevitably disillusioning about the idea but completely unrelated to the idea of being with Peeta.

The first option seems ridiculously unrealistic. Peeta has become a part of me as much as my mother and Prim are. And as I entertain the thought, the answer to his question becomes apparent, even obvious.

"If I am, then we try to be the best parents we can be" I say, hopeful at the small ray of sunshine slipping through the cracks.

What does this mean? I don't know and I couldn't figure it out if I tried. And I see Peeta understands, as he nods and gives me a small smile.

We have bigger things on our plates right now.

After all, we got a government to bring down.

My heart beats wildly inside my chest as we near District 12. The smell of the forest and the sight of the familiar trees send a wave of warmth as I near my home and my family.

The wait has been torture. I have spent days crying at the certainty that I will come to find my family gone. I have spent others hopeful that Haymitch will really have things under control as he says he does. I have spent others trying to forget all the things that are going on around us, to find some peace and comfort so I may keep myself sane as Haymitch constantly reminds us that he needs our brains to be ready to help once we arrive, though he hasn't explained why.

Peeta and I have slowly fallen into an easy manner that is good enough to satisfy Haymitch that we have "resolved our issues".

We have discussed our plans for once we get to District 12. We are to jump off once the train has slowed down enough but hasn't stopped. We can't get off at the actual station as by now every Peacekeeper in the nation will have their eyes looking for us. Once there, we will wait for nightfall, so Haymitch may get to one of the other rebels, to find out what has happened, so we may act then.

Of course, I don't plan to follow this. I am the fastest of the three so before they can realize I have run I will be too far for them to catch me. I know these woods as I know my own home and I know every single hidden pathway in this District. I will get to my family as soon as my feet will get me there.

And that is exactly what I do, even before the they have jumped off, I am rolling on the ground with the momentum of the jump as I faintly hear their voices then two loud thumps as they jump off to follow me. I get up on my feet and I am running, speeding through the trees as fast as I can.

I can't let them stop me.

They loudly make their way after me, breaking branches and tripping over the forest floor as I swiftly put more and more distance between us.

Haymitch's priority is the rebellion. He isn't looking out for mine and I don't blame him. But I must do this. And I know they will understand.

Haymitch's body, beaten by the years of drinking, and Peeta with his prosthetic leg, eventually disappear among the trees and their voices fade away.

It's been a while that I don't frequent these parts but they are still familiar enough that I can find my way.

The sun slowly hides behind the trees and the mountains and I know I must hurry. If night falls, I might be pray to the wild animals and I have no bow and arrow.

Although, I don't remember this part being so far from home.

I should have made it a long time ago.

But my resolve doesn't falter. I run even faster and make sure to locate myself well with the sun.

But something just doesn't add up. Why haven't I made it yet?

The rays from the sun are rare now and I don't see very well ahead of me.

A small fear starts spreading through my body as I consider the possibility that I may be lost. And if I am indeed lost, these aren't good parts of the woods to do so, as they were frequented by packs of wolves, though they stayed farther in the forest through the day.

That was part of the reason we only came here when I could find no game in my usual route. I only did it when I had no choice. But even then, I had protection.

I feel my back so bare as I acknowledge the dangers ahead of me and there isn't a bow and arrow there.

On cue, I hear the howl of a wolf not too far and my heart jumps in my chest. And a fear I had never experienced before takes over me. I have faced similar dangers before and never had I felt this desperate need for protection.

Because I had always only looked out for myself. But today that isn't the case.

The possibility of a baby in my belly becomes inexplicably real and I can't imagine having his life in danger.

I want to wrap my torso in a protective shield as I hear the howls getting closer and closer and I see no sign of District 12.

Could my stupidity for not trusting Haymitch cost him his life? After all, what could two hours mean when we have been looked for for days already?

Oh, how I wish I had stayed with them, where nothing threatened the life I may carry with me, the life I never saw as real before, the life I love, the life that may end today before it even began.

How can I be so afraid for someone more than I am for myself? Not once in the Hunger Games did I feel this fear, not even as the mutts surrounded us around the Cornucopia.

It is strange and foreign but undeniable.

And I hate myself for being so stupid.

Had I told Haymitch of what I wanted to do, would they have accompanied me?

If one thing I can be glad of is that I didn't do that. How could I live with myself if I cost Peeta and Haymitch their lives too?

Peeta's child does not deserve me as a mother.

And a single tear rolls down my face as I hear the feet of the beasts close on me.

**Please, as always, let me know what you think! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thank you everyone for your wonderful reviews! :D every one of them brought a huge smile to my face! ^-^ I have noticed that there is an issue that has been pointed out to me many times and I thought I should address it here rather than reviewer by reviewer since it will be easier for all to see: chapter length. And I want you to know your voice has not gone unheard, my people! The reason I don't write longer chapters is because it takes me- minimum- one hour to write, edit, check spelling, and check OOC for every 1000 words, if not more. That's pretty slow haha I know. But I would rather give you a quality chapter than upload some very long chapters full of errors, do you know what I mean? And as much as I would like it to spend 5 or 6 hours on each chapter, I just don't have the time. I barely survive taking out the time that I already do. Trust me, if you knew my life you would understand :( . So I apologize for the not-as-long-as-desired chapters, you guys :( but it's the best I can do. I hope you still enjoy!**

**Chapter 19**

Darkness falls around me like a heavy cloak as the howls I had hoped were not directed at me approach closer and closer. I can already hear their steps. There are about three. I could take them out if I had a bow easily. But not tonight. Tonight I will be eaten alive by these beasts.

Ironic, isn't it? I fought so hard in the Hunger Games. I defeated trained killers, and even mutts, and came out alive, not only me, but for the first time in Hunger Games history, with my District partner. Yet I am going to die tonight, feet away from the District fence probably, no one watching, no one will ever know how and why I never came out of the woods today. I couldn't save myself from my own folly. And I brought Peeta's child with me.

I try to imagine what would have happened if I had stayed with Haymitch and Peeta. I imagine, years from now, the rebellion has worked. I imagine that world with no Games, no Capitol. A place like the meadow in the song I sang to Rue as she died. Where Peeta's child could be safe.

And tonight, my biggest fear is not for me, but for a little person, never to be born, never to experience love, never to know anything but darkness, never to meet his father- the best father he could have had. Peeta would have been so kind, so patient with him. He would have taught him to paint, to bake, to be gentleman to ladies, like he always is, to never be rude or selfish, to never be like me.

Haymich was right. I could have live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, ever.

I was given a chance to accept the love from the best person I know, the only person who can understand who I am because of what we have lived through together, who loves me for some unknown reason I cannot fathom. I was given a chance to have a better life for me and for Peeta and for our families and my arrogance has been the death of those and any possibilities.

As I feel my last seconds approach, I let these fears I had before loose. What does it matter anymore? I'll be dead soon anyway.

I let my mind wonder what I never let it wonder before.

I see that meadow... and Peeta's child is running, laughing, and I see that same sparkle in his eyes as I have seen in his father, that beautiful, hopeful spark, that promises things will be okay. He picks a beautiful yellow dandelion and runs back to me, to give it to me and I smile stupidly at how much I love this little person, barely coming up out of the tall grass. And then out of nowhere, Peeta comes out running to him and picks him up in the air and turns with him as they both laugh uncontrollably and I feel my eyes swell up. Peeta tickles him, only getting more laughter out of his beautiful face. They finally come to me, and Peeta is looking at me with those eyes, and the look of adoration I see in them make my stomach get a funny feeling because there is nothing I want more right now than to see that look, just once more. He notices the yellow dandelion lying on my lap and sits next to me asks:

"Do I have competition Mrs. Mellark? Is there some other guy trying to steal your heart?" he asks me sweetly.

"I'm afraid yes" I answer. "And he is more handsome, too. In fact, he has already stolen my heart" I smile.

"Where is this thief, so I may tell him to stay away from my wife?" he asks in mock anger.

"In your lap" I laugh and kiss him. I wish I could freeze this imaginary moment, right here, right now and live in it forever.

But this will never happen now. And it's all my fault. But I want it to... so bad.

The leaves rustle behind me and I can clearly hear the sounds coming from the hungry wolves. My lungs can't keep up with the demand for oxygen anymore as they struggle shallowly to feed my body the energy to keep up with the speed to stay safe but I know it is fruitless. And yet I can't accept death. I force my legs to withstand the pain and go on for as long as they can, for as much as I know I can't outrun wolves, I still hope for a miracle.

And a miracle comes.

For I hear the whimper of one wolf getting hurt and collapsing to the floor in pain. I don't look back to see what it was . I have to keep running. Then I hear another one cry out in pain and fall and the other right behind him.

A sparkle of hope lights up in my heart but I am not about to stop and try to find out. I run.

I hear the painful howls of the wolves getting farther and farther away and it almost sounds like they are calling my name. This sends a chill through my body as I also realize there are still feet running behind me.

Oh no! There were more wolves than I had thought?

But as the howls become more and more faint I realize they are not calling out my name.

Humans are.

I stop and turn around incredulous as I see two male forms approaching me and even though I can't tell their faces in the darkness, their voices are unmistakable.

Gale and Rory! Relief floods through my body and my exhausted body finally crashes on the ground and every muscle wails in pain.

I can't even keep my head up to recognize their faces as it bobbles down, my body completely out of any strength or will to move on.

I barely remember as they picked me up and helped me walk back out of the forest and through the alleys all the way to their home where they laid me in my Posy's little bed, possibly the cleanest.

I laid there, I don't know for how long, unable to move, afraid to pull a strained muscle, which right now, included every one of them in my body.

I hear them ask me questions, and I answer them but don't remember what I said or what they asked.

Hazelle brings me a soup of some sort and I drink it in grief, wondering whose dinner I have cost tonight, but I drink it anyways because my body demands it without choice.

As my heart finally returns to its regular heartbeat, my mind starts running through the last hours events. I remember how close to death I was, how grateful I am that Gale and Rory saved me. I wonder how they happened to be in the forest so late.

I sit up, and look to my side and see Gale sitting there, elbows supported by his knees, leaning forward, chin resting on knuckles, and they look white and closed with force, his forehead formed in little horizontal lines, and his eyes seem far away. I have seen that look before. He is so angry that he won't move an inch so he doesn't break something.

I hesitate before calling his name softly as to not startle him. His eyes come back to the room and look at me but his expression is unchanged. He looks at me to let me know he has my attention but says nothing.

"How did you find me?" I ask. "What were you guys doing out there in the dark and in that part of the forest?"

"Teaching Rory to find food. Working in the mines I can't do it, so I take him to the woods at the end of the day and I have been teaching him how to set traps and to know the woods, and I even tried teaching him what I remember from our bow lessons and he's caught on pretty good, I think he may actually have hope, since I couldn't. So the only time I have to take him out is after I get back from the mines and today I happened to take him to those parts in case he has no better luck in the others one day. And thank God I did, Katniss. What exactly were you doing in those parts of the woods after nightfall without a weapon? How did you even get over here and why were you alone?" he asks trying to contain his anger.

I explain to him everything- all the events leading to tonight- and he slowly relaxes the muscles in his face and body as the anger is replaced by understanding.

"Good for him" he says but I don't understand.

"Good for who?" I ask.

"Good for that wimp who thinks himself man enough to be your husband. Because if he had left you alone I would have gone and broke his good leg" he says and the disgust in his words leave me in no doubt that he is still angry about the marriage.

"Well, it wasn't his fault..." I begin to defend Peeta. It was me who ran away. But he doesn't let me finish.

"He would have been able to protect you if he had stopped you!"

"He couldn't, Gale! He lost his leg and you know it!"

"And who's fault was that? If he'd been man enough he wouldn't have!"

Gale's words hurt me just a bit. None of this is his fault. He is only looking for an excuse to demean Peeta.

"You're right. It is his fault. If he had let Cato kill me he would have kept his leg. Bad decision on his part" I say full of hostility and almost instantly regret it as I see the pain I have inflicted in Gale.

"I don't hate Peeta for sacrificing himself for you. I hate him because _I couldn't_" he says to me in the eye and with that he stands up and walks away, leaving me mouth open, still holding the soup bowl on my lap, completely petrified.

My wedding day flashes before me once again. How long ago that seems! I remember how cold and hostile he was, just like today. And it seems Peeta is always the cause. Then I remember Haymitch telling me he thought he was jealous of him. This now confirms it. He said he wished he had been able to make the sacrifices Peeta has made for me.

But what for? It has only brought pain and calamities for Peeta. What good is being in a fake marriage? There is nothing to envy there.

I wished he hadn't left. There are so many things unsaid between us and we have never spent so long upset with each other.

This brings back something else Haymitch said to me after Gale stormed off during my wedding.

_"Then he isn't who you thought he really was, sweetheart"_

These thoughts swirl in my head all night long and no one comes back to check on me.

As I am falling asleep I hear the door creak open with care, as if to pass by unnoticed, failing miserably and waking me up from the weak slumber I had fallen into.

Gale tries to walk back out but I call out to him in desperation.

He stops and hesitates for a moment before coming inside halfway.

"Don't leave. I don't know why you are being like this to me and I think you have a lot of explaining to do" I say strongly.

He looks me in the eye intensely and takes a seat with reluctance.

"Ever since the wedding you have treated me like this is somehow my fault and I thought you would have gotten over it by now but you obviously haven't so tell me what it is the problem so we can move on" I demand.

"The problem? You want to know what the problem is? How do you think it feels to love someone you aren't supposed to love but know you can't stop anyways? To know that person is so miserable but you can't fix it?" he asks brusquely.

This confirms what I had most feared. I am taken aback by his declaration but it can't soften the anger that arises.

"So because you can't have me you have to treat me like I've done you wrong?! I've done nothing! If anything this is your fault for waiting until now to tell me! What did you think? That you could just sit around forever and no other guy would ever take me from you?" I snap at him.

"If you had been forced into this, Katniss, I could have some consolation. But you and I both know that wasn't the case!" he claims. "You can fool Haymitch, your mother, Prim, and even Peeta, who even though he spends every living second with you is too stupid to see it, but you can't fool me! I, who heard you say time after time that no one in the world could ever fool you into marriage. And along comes some wimp and acts like some wounded, love-sick puppy dog and you fall for him?" he makes a long pause. "That is very unfair" he says with disgust.

"How many times do I have to explain this to you, Gale?!" I ask frustrated. "It is a fake marriage!"

"It may be a fake marriage but that doesn't mean you don't love him" he replies.

I suddenly am out of words.

"Exactly. That's what I thought" he says and gets up to walk away.

"Gale! Of course I care for him! We have gone through so much together! But that doesn't mean..."

He interrupts me with:

"Katniss, just stop. It's pathetic. You can deny it all you want but I know you better than you know yourself. You can't fool me" he states coolly and begins walking away again.

"Stop awaking away from me, Gale! I am not done" I try to stop him.

"No, but I am" he says and I know there is nothing I can do to make him stay anymore. He begins to walk away again and just then we hear the front door open with force. He turns to look at me again and I am on stand-by, suspenseful for his words. But they are not what I expect. He smiles sarcastically.

"Oh, just in time. Your lover-boy is here" he says and stays for a second to catch what reaction his words gather from me.

"Peeta!" I involuntarily cry out in a desperate whimper that wipes away Gale's sarcastic smile and turns his face into disgust once again before he stomps out.

**Leave me your thoughts, oh wonderful readers! :)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello my fellow HG fans! :D Thank you for all the encouragement and all the suggestions. I love to see you guys as excited as I am for the development of this fanfic. And it is so nice to see Katniss develop and grow as she goes through experiences that she never did in the books and explore how these new ones affect her and teach her and change the outcome. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 20**

A thousand thoughts rush through my mind but all I can think is Peeta is here. Just a few hours before I thought I would never see him again, never see that shine in his eyes that tell me that things can be good again.

And the fear comes back and I am paranoid that in the few steps that it could take me to get to him something might get in the way and I will lose my chance again.

And this fear acts on its own and takes over my mind and I am out of the bed rushing past Gale and running into Peeta's arms.

And my stomach feels sick because I know while I am doing this I am confirming Gale his suspicions but at this moment, as much as I wish to take his opinion into account, I can't because my arms are locked around Peeta's torso and they refuse to let go. I am too happy to see him again.

Peeta is asking me a million questions. How could I leave him? How could I scare him so? Did I know how he had felt these past hours, thinking I had been captured or dead? I can't answer. I am immobile. All I can do is hold on to him, convincing myself he really is in my arms, and it is so very strange to feel this way but I can't stop it.

I hold him close. It is so very comforting to feel his chest under my cheek once again.

It's funny how thinking you could lose someone makes you appreciate them.

And then it happens.

Before I can stop it, the words are out.

I see it happen in slow motion yet I am powerless.

"Is the baby OK?" he asks.

My heart stops and I am snapped into reality.

And I become conscious of what his question will make everyone around us think.

I turn around but Gale is already slamming the door behind him.

I imagine how betrayed he must feel, as if I had been lying to him just seconds ago. Except that I didn't. He doesn't know… I have to explain.

I let go of Peeta and I am out of his embrace and running after Gale.

I walk out into the dark cold night and start searching but everything is still. I look hard but it is too dark to see. My eyes struggle to find his tall figure in the darkness but with grief I realize it is fruitless.

There is no sign of him.

I want to scream out to him, to call his name, to come back and let me explain that I wasn't lying.

To yell that it isn't what he thinks in the hopes he will hear me.

I have taken a few steps when I stop myself. I can't run out into the darkness.

I am looked for by every single Peacekeeper in this District. I am in danger enough already just being outside at all.

And even if I could go and find him I know that at this point, there is nothing I can say to change his mind. How can I convince him now? He already believes I chose Peeta over him and now that he thinks I am pregnant… it only confirms to him that I was lying. Now he must really think our marriage is real.

I hear steps coming out to me but I stay looking out into the darkness, wishing I could reach out into it and pull him back out.

This is a disaster. I sit on the ground and seize my head between my hands and squeeze it as I grit my teeth. The Capitol has taken my best friend away from me and for that they will pay. I will make sure of it.

I feel a strong grip take hold of my arm and I know it is Haymitch by his typical roughness.

I let him stand me up and lead me away from the house to I don't know where.

We start walking into the darkness now and I wonder where Haymitch is taking me. Soon I hear Peeta join us and we all walk in silence. We travel between the trees and the tall grass and Haymitch still holds a strong grip on arm.

I wait for him to begin yelling at me and I am preparing my retorts but I have no need for them. He never takes the initiative. So I do.

"What did you find out about Mother and Prim?" I ask.

"They're safe" Haymitch replies with emphasis "as I said you they would be".

"How do you know?" I ask. "Did you check on them? Have you seen them?"

"No. But I left instructions to take your family to District 13 if things got ugly. As I had hoped the friends I told you about took care of it as soon as they saw the way they staged Azalea and Gerrit's death and saw no interview of you guys" he replies.

"So District 13 does exist?" I ask thinking of the encounter in the forest with the girls from District 8.

"Yeah. That's where we are going too. They have been surviving underground all this time" he informs me and I am awed.

"Thank you, Haymitch" I say and I wish I could thank him in some more significant way but can't think of one. I think this is enough for him though.

"What about Peeta's family?" I ask.

"They are safe, too, though still in the District. They didn't want to leave" he explains.

"But why not? It's only a matter of time before they take them away and try to torture them into telling about Peeta's location" I state in confusion.

I look at Peeta but he seems unworried.

"They will be fine" he says but I am unconvinced. Why are they so sure? "They already came to them but saw they really knew nothing and let them be" he says.

I am relieved to hear that but it doesn't seem right.

I look around me and wonder where we could be.

We are taking a long route surrounding the town but never entering it.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Mayor's house" Peeta answers. He sees my confusion and continues. "Yeah, I know, I was surprised too. He is part of the rebellion" he explains and I am glad. I think of the Mayor who always looked so miserable at the Reapings and of Madge, and the mockingjay pin she gave me. I am glad to know we are on the same side now.

I can see the lights of the house as we approach the back. I remember doing this many times when Gale and I came to sell them strawberries.

I am impatient to see Madge and be somewhere I can feel safe and find out more about my family.

We are ushered inside and into a small parlor. The house is poorly lit and especially the room we occupy. It is particularly dark. I can only admire the Mayor for taking us in when we are so looked for.

We aren't there for very long before the Mayor and Madge join us. She comes over to me and hugs me. It is so nice to see people from home. She reminds of the times when things were a little more normal, when we were struggling to eat but there were no worries of being bugged or taken away by Peacekeepers.

The Mayor informs us that things have become extremely dangerous. The rebels had introduced themselves in the Capitol by the time that Azalea and Gerrit died and they captured their deaths before the Capitol could dispose of it and they managed to hack into the TV networks and broadcast it in full detail before it could be taken down. By the time the Capitol was back in control it was too late. The whole country had seen it. And it had the desired result.

This sent uproar in some of the Districts with the most rebels and ignited the ones who had been laying low. The Capitol has slowly been losing control of the situation and with us on the loose too they have had too much on their hands. The rebels are gaining strength but there have been many deaths and massacres, even in the Capitol as they kill off the possible suspects who could have intruded and gotten the video. Thankfully we still have some informers.

The Peacekeepers raided our houses, though, all three of them in search of us and mother and Prim but found nothing. They did find Peeta's family going about their lives as usual and couldn't get anything out of them and, as soon as they saw they really were clueless, they let them be.

I see Peeta look down. I know he is thinking that his family couldn't care less and the Peacekeepers saw that and didn't waste their time. My heart breaks for Peeta. I couldn't imagine not having anyone worrying about me, anyone to welcome me into District 13. I look at him but he doesn't meet my gaze. He is looking at his hands deep in thought.

But then the most pressing matter of the night arises.

We must be taken out of District 12 as soon as possible.

The Mayor is a suspect but because of his position and there being no proof he has been spared. But things are getting worse by the minute and all that could change at any moment. As it is they cannot run as that would only confirm to the Capitol that he is part of the rebellion. And they need some of us to be here and keep District 13 informed. So they must stay here, no matter what happens. But we cannot.

It is very late so we leave it there for now. We will discuss details more tomorrow and observe when it will be the best time to escape as things are very complex, there are Peacekeepers everywhere at all times and the fence has been reinforced.

I wish I could talk to Peeta tonight but Madge takes me away to her room that we will share for these days while Haymitch and Peeta will share a guest room.

I give him one last look before we part and I hope it is reassuring enough.

Madge and I talk for a little bit. She tells me a little more of how things have been for her in particular lately, which hasn't been easy. But soon sleep conquers us and I fall into a restless sleep where I keep dreaming I am giving birth but things aren't going well. Finally I wake up and notice why I had those dreams. There is a sharp pain in my lower stomach and my heart stops as I recognize the familiar cramp. I rush to the bathroom only to have confirmed that I was never pregnant.

And I am so disappointed. I had been so certain that I was… Even though it is a good thing since we don't have to worry about pleasing President Snow anymore. That was the whole point of trying to be pregnant, wasn't it? So I should be relieved that I won't be bringing a poor unfortunate soul into this horrible world to suffer… but yet I am so very sad…

I spend hours tossing and turning in bed thinking about this baby I never had. It is so strange to think of myself as one alone again.

This does make it easy for me, right? There is nothing that forces me to be anything anymore. There is no need to pretend that Peeta and I are the lovers that the Capitol believed, no more reason to keep going with this pretend marriage. Peeta and I are free to be what we want, so to speak.

And it feels liberating and scary all at the same time. I am relieved to finally be able to choose for myself but… there is a part of me that is afraid of having that choice. Because after so long… after being so used to having Peeta there for me at all times I can't imagine how I will face my life alone, how I will sleep at night without his arms around me to keep the nightmares away and to shush them away when I wake up from them.

I feel so disoriented…

But it isn't fair to hold Peeta to those responsibilities anymore. He deserves to get away from me and forget me and move on.

I never thought about what the ending of this fake marriage would mean and now I wish it hadn't.

As these thoughts roam my mind I fall back asleep only to keep having nightmares.

The sun wakes me up and I find Madge is up and ready. She lets me know I need to stay in her room during the day so I am not discovered and once night falls we will get together again and be able to discuss more of what we will be doing next.

And I am not to leave the room under any circumstances.

I already feel myself going crazy in these four walls with my thoughts and my questions and the answers I can't find

**And there it is! : ) tell me what you think, guys! I can't wait to start on the new chapter but I gotta know you guys are liking it, so let me know what you thought!**


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